What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly.
Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us.
Thank you for your patience.
Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I’m a faux pa.
HS. My house party. Guy asks me if he can shoot some other kid and shows me a .45. I tell him not on my property and not at my party; he apparently respected that. Later he gets drunk and cuts his own stomach open… about 1 inch deep, 8 inches wide… you can clearly see each layer of skin and fat. He then goes around “talking” with it like it’s Jim Carey’s rectum.
We eventually convince him much later to go to the hospital, as he previously refused because he was afraid they were going to commit him to the psych ward, but by then they told him it had been too long and they could only debride and dress it. He has a massive scar there now… although he’s much more sane and stable these days.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
Why did the cashier rip money in half?
They were asked to break a bill.
My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.
We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.
Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.