Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?
They were engaged.
Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
Went to a house party freshman year of high school in Europe. It was this rich girls apartment in a pretty high building (10-12 stories). She lived on the top floor of this building and after getting drunk and a little high (towelie style), I started feeling pretty confident in myself. She had a small balcony and it was next to her neighbors balcony which was about a 2 meter gap of nothing all the way down in between. In my drunken stupor I decided that moment would be the first time I said “hold my beer”. I stood up on the handrail and jumped across to the other balcony and back completely drunk. The second jump back really put how high up I was into perspective when I looked down at the middle of the jump. Landed safely but god that could’ve ended poorly.
The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…
Wait, where are we again?
Q: Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window? / A: To see butter-fly.
Girl: Why do you like her so much?
Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!
I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.
EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.
What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?
How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.