Jokes That Will Have the Whole Family Laughing

The beauty of Halloween

Was at a Halloween party and passed out on top of a cooler. I awoke to my friends saying the cops were there and we had to run. So my friends and I were dressed up as a geisha girl, Cinderella, Abby cadabby and Tinkerbell….all running down the road trying to avoid an mip. We make it to a 7-11 and call my friends boyfriend to take us home.

He shows up dressed as batman and drunk. He drives us home and on his way home gets pulled over and flees on foot. He then goes home and reports that someone in a batman costume stole his jeep….and got away with it.

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Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?

Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)

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Classroom Chaos

So in 8th grade I used to read during class a lot. At the time I was reading an Artemis Fowl book, and for some reason I had two copies of the same book. So one day in my English class we were reading this other book (which I had already finished reading three days earlier), I was reading my own book and when it was finally my turn to read, I had no idea where we were. So the teacher took my book away, I found my spot, read the part and passed it to the next person to start reading.

So after I read my part, I took out my second copy of Artemis and picked up right where I left off. Skip a few minutes ahead, gets back to my turn to read, and again I don’t know where we are. So teacher takes a look at me, sees the book in my hands, then back to her desk obviously confused for a second. But shrugs it off knowing it’s me she’s dealing with (I’ve caused similar problems like this before), takes my second book and puts it on her desk, and makes me read my part.

Now my friend that sat two chairs down from me was also reading Artemis at the same time as me and with a quick look to him he knew exactly what I was planning. He took it out and passed it over without hesitation. I opened to a random spot and just pretended like I was reading. (At this point it was just to mess with my teacher.)

So skip forward again and my teacher sees me with the book again and says, “How many of those do you have?” I gave my smartass remark as “enough.” She took away that book, too. But now at this point I was out of books, and the rest of my class knew it. But the teacher didn’t know I was out. So she continued with her lesson and another friend of mine took two of her books and switched out two of the Artemis books on her desk to make them look like they were still there.

He passed the books slowly around the room, one at a time, until they were back to me. Then I took one out, opened to a random spot and just kept it open, waiting to get caught. I silently signaled to a few people in class and they started laughing. The teacher looked at what they were laughing at and saw me with yet another book. She looked at her desk where there were seemingly 3 Artemis books and saw me with a 4th. She took it, walked back to her desk, put it down, turned around, and saw me with the second book that got taken back on my desk!!!

The teacher thought she was going to win this game but underestimated my teamwork with my classmates. So the second she came over to me to take the seemingly 5th book, another classmate took back the other two books from her desk and split them up—sending one to me one way, and the other another way.

The teacher was very flustered and laughing hysterically at this point and there was no more teaching going on. The entire class was also going ballistic trying to see who would win. It was just a game of “How many books does this one 8th grader have?”

So at the end of the class she thought she had taken 11 books from me. I took pity on her and told her what was really happening. I told her that I had already read the first book, and all the teamwork that went on. We were both laughing and making jokes. In the end she agreed to let me read my own books as long as I kept track of the actual book we were reading. (Meaning, I ask the person next to me tell me when it’s my turn and they point out my spot to read so I don’t actually have to keep track.)

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Why was the math book always worried?

Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.

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Someone stole my mood ring yesterday

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

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First phone accident

When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. It was a pink little slide phone where you’d slide it sideways and have the texting keyboard and all. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. My mom ended up giving me her first flip phone which didn’t even have a camera or the option to have music or photos transferred. Lesson learned.

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Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

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Gay teacher

So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.

Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.

My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.

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Why are frogs always so happy?

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

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