What do you call malware on a Kindle?
One of my friends and I were at a house party. She drank 8 shots of tequila one right after the other and then proceeded to have bareback anal sex on the front lawn while everyone watched. Not one of her finest moments. She’s a Mormon now, apparently.
I saw a guy run out of a party and tackle a cop off a horse.
What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
Q: What do you call an attractive fruit? / A: A fine-apple.
What do you call a fake noodle?
Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.
We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.
Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)
Where do snowmen keep their savings?
In the snowbank.
You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
Them: Mickey Mouse
You: What duck walks on two feet?
Them: Donald Duck
You: No, all ducks do!
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.