TOP 15 | Popular Stories and Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

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What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

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Why is sand so optimistic?

Why is sand so optimistic?

It has a can-dune attitude.

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A drunken piss turned tragic

I live in Isla Vista, where basically party central is located on a street right on the cliffs over the ocean. I was at an ATO day party, everything is all good, people were intoxicated and having a good time, then all of a sudden we hear screams and people start freaking out. Someone fell off the cliffs. Turns out it was my friend who fell off the cliffs to his death):

That was definitely one of the most craziest and traumatic experiences of my life, along with the shootings that happened here in Isla vista last weekend.

Moral of the story, don’t pee off of cliffs into the ocean when you are blacked out drunk/:

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How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB.

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Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

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A fight over a girl turned fatal

Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.

Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.

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Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

They work on many levels.

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Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

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Lotion boy

One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

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5th grade teacher

In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office.

The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

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Sawing off a metal cock ring

I was still in med school at the time, but I saw a guy for follow up who had used a metal cock ring which then proceeded to get stuck. He didn’t seek help for a day and then finally went to the ER where they had to saw off the cock ring. The horrific swelling and bruising wasn’t quite so bad by the time I saw him but don’t worry, he showed me a picture of what it looked like right after they sawed the ring off. I saw another dude, probably late 60s or early 70s, with similar levels of brushing and swelling who had gotten overenthusiastic with a penis pump. He very kindly told me to warn all my patients about the dangers of penis pumping. I became an OB/GYN instead

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What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

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SonofabitchAdam

I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

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Why does a chicken Coop only have two doors?

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

4 1 vote
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