What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I’m coming down with something.
One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.
1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.
2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.
Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…
I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.
I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.
But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.
She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.
Why do pancakes always win at baseball?
They have the best batter.
Girl is crying
Dad: Why ya’ crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I’ll be back…
A while later, dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn’t!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!
Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
A. A jam session.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
How does NASA organize a party?
Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York.
What’s brown and sticky?
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
I tried to catch fog yesterday.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.