TOP 15 | Best Stories and Jokes to Get a Laugh

An excruciatingly drawn-out golden shower

This one drunk girl had a fetish of getting pissed on. There was a circle of guys just pissing on her I kinda noped right out of the party.

Bonus from attending that party after I noped out I met my ex and had the best sex life I’ve ever had for the next 6 months.

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Jellyfish fiasco

So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”

The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”

and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said

“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.

So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.

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Two goldfish are in a tank

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

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My mom’s thong

One day when I was 3 I decided I wanted to be like my mom and wear “big girl” panties. I sneakily went through her drawer and grabbed the first thing I could find – a thong (I didn’t know what it was at the time). She didn’t know until we went to breakfast with some friends and took me to the bathroom. She still won’t let me live it down!

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All glowed up

After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school.

My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive).

Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.

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I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard

My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue.

I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.

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Can We Just Agree That Suits Are a Bad Idea in the Summer?

20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.

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What do you give a sick lemon?

Q: What do you give a sick lemon? / A: A Lemon-aid.

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Penile fracture

Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies.

It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night

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Why did two tall people get along so well?

Why did two tall people get along so well?

The could really see eye to eye.

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SonofabitchAdam

I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

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This is what happens when your drunk friend confuses your house with your neighbor’s

Invite a friend over to drink late night, 10 min later he calls us saying he’s in the living room. He’s nowhere to be found, look outside to see two cop cars and his car in the neighbor’s driveway.

Turns out he walked into my friends neighbors house piss drunk asking where we were at like 2 a.m .

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You heard the rumor going around about butter?

You heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

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What kind of shape may have been knighted?

What kind of shape may have been knighted? 

Cir-cles.

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