TODAY: Popular Stories and Selection of the best dad jokes

First phone accident

When I was in the 6th grade my parents decided I should get my first cell phone because I was going to middle school now and things were different. It was a pink little slide phone where you’d slide it sideways and have the texting keyboard and all. I took decent care of my phone and never needed a replacement. Well, flash forward to Memorial Day weekend. My family and another family went camping up in Pennsylvania for the weekend. Well, one of the days we were up there my buddy, Oliver, and I decided to take the kayaks out on the lake. Genius me, decided she wanted to listen to the 4 Selena Gomez songs I had on my phone. I thought it would be a brilliant idea to put my phone in a plastic bag to protect it from the water. When we got back from kayaking I took my phone out only to find the bag was submerged in water. We had no rice or anything to save my phone so we tried laying it out to dry, not even 15 minutes later it starts down pouring destroying my phone even more. My mom ended up giving me her first flip phone which didn’t even have a camera or the option to have music or photos transferred. Lesson learned.

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The day my teacher stole my headphones

During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud.

I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless.

He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year

5 1 vote
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George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”

DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

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What do you call a nosy pepper?

Q: What do you call a nosy pepper? / A: Jalapeno business!

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Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

They were engaged.

4 1 vote
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This is what dad said to her dumped daughter

Girl is crying
Dad: Why ya’ crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I’ll be back…

A while later, dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn’t!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!

5 1 vote
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Got too close to a raccoon

We had a pet raccoon for two days (long party) who would hang out with us. We thought he was a nice furry guy, but then he betrayed us. We were pretty drunk, he left, came back with friends, looted our house.

I don’t want to be anti raccoon, but it is hard for me to trust them now. If you read this Fritz: Reconsider. Come back and we’ll start over.

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Ah, Screw It, I’ll Do It

Tourist to another: Ummm, we’re on Hew-stin. How do we get to–

Passerby: –Dude, it’s pronounced How-ston, not ‘Hew-stin.’ You better say it right, or someone else who’s not as nice as me will beat you up.

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50 shades of butt

So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.

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What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

The owl.

4 1 vote
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The Two Would Go on to Become Lifelong Friends

Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.

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Why do you smear peanut butter in the road?

Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road? / A: To go with the traffic jam.

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To be fair, it was a pretty naughty fridge

Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.

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Eighth grade games

So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. Everyone would play games on their computers (we used computers to take notes) but would play them in a super sneaky manner (volume down, looking at the board so it looks like you’re taking notes, etc.). I wasn’t one for playing games during class but I was soooo bored…so I searched up Pac-Man on Google and started playing (I didn’t know what else to play).

So I started playing and just my luck I didn’t check how high my volume was….IT WAS ALL THE WAY UP. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button (my hands were shaking like crazy)….my strict science teacher looked me straight in the eye..

5 2 votes
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