What’s it called when kittens get stuck in a tree?
I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. last night, I became hungry and decided to make some ramen. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.
After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.
I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it.
Well….It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart.
One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up.
What’s brown and sticky?
Invite a friend over to drink late night, 10 min later he calls us saying he’s in the living room. He’s nowhere to be found, look outside to see two cop cars and his car in the neighbor’s driveway.
Turns out he walked into my friends neighbors house piss drunk asking where we were at like 2 a.m .
You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
Them: Mickey Mouse
You: What duck walks on two feet?
Them: Donald Duck
You: No, all ducks do!
Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.
Where do wasps like to get lunch?
Went to a house party freshman year of high school in Europe. It was this rich girls apartment in a pretty high building (10-12 stories). She lived on the top floor of this building and after getting drunk and a little high (towelie style), I started feeling pretty confident in myself. She had a small balcony and it was next to her neighbors balcony which was about a 2 meter gap of nothing all the way down in between. In my drunken stupor I decided that moment would be the first time I said “hold my beer”. I stood up on the handrail and jumped across to the other balcony and back completely drunk. The second jump back really put how high up I was into perspective when I looked down at the middle of the jump. Landed safely but god that could’ve ended poorly.
Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
So about a year ago we had to do a speech about something we were passionate about. These would then be recorded to put on the school website. I decided to do one about gay rights as it was not yet legalized in my state. I decided to mention that I was gay during the speech, which wasn’t that much of a surprise to people. In the end it went really well.
Then a couple of hours later, during lunch I was walking past the staffroom to get to the lunch hall when I heard my speech being played, being curious I stopped and I heard them replay “I am gay myself actually” a couple of times over. Out of the corner I could see my 6th grade teacher give my computer studies teacher 10 dollars. Then suddenly, I sneezed really loudly, the teachers turned around and saw me standing there.
My 6th grade teacher has pretty much gotten over it but my computer studies teacher refuses to make eye contact with me.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Why should you never trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.