Great Clean Jokes for Funny People Who Don’t Swear

5th grade teacher

In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office.

The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

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Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

Why won’t skeletons fight each other?

They just don’t have the guts.

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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

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What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

Hogwarts.

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What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.

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What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

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Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?

Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?

Sure, but then they makeup.

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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital? / A: He was peeling really bad.

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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

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How to win at video games

When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password.

So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids).

I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

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In the closet

OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.

4 1 vote
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An excruciatingly drawn-out golden shower

This one drunk girl had a fetish of getting pissed on. There was a circle of guys just pissing on her I kinda noped right out of the party.

Bonus from attending that party after I noped out I met my ex and had the best sex life I’ve ever had for the next 6 months.

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What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

The owl.

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I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief

I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, the signs were all there.

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A truly insane fellow

HS. My house party. Guy asks me if he can shoot some other kid and shows me a .45. I tell him not on my property and not at my party; he apparently respected that. Later he gets drunk and cuts his own stomach open… about 1 inch deep, 8 inches wide… you can clearly see each layer of skin and fat. He then goes around “talking” with it like it’s Jim Carey’s rectum.

We eventually convince him much later to go to the hospital, as he previously refused because he was afraid they were going to commit him to the psych ward, but by then they told him it had been too long and they could only debride and dress it. He has a massive scar there now… although he’s much more sane and stable these days.

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