Got incredibly drunk, passed out, woke up just in time to see a few of the guys siphoning petrol out of the lawnmower and lighting their hands on fire (then immediately dunking them in water). Passed out again, woke up to a guy t-bagging my face. My mate then took a shit in the washing machine.
Was an interesting night.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were a lot of knights.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Why did two tall people get along so well?
The could really see eye to eye.
What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
Girl #1: I just don’t know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad’s a mortician.
Q: Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A: Because it had ticks
Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.
Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.
How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?
Approximately 1 GB.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
I started a new job as a tailor last week.
It’s been sew-sew.
Q: How do you make an artichoke? / A: You strangle it.
So my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.
So one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.
Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).
Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.
My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.
The neighbors haven’t come over since.
What’s a writer’s favorite train station?