Jokes to share with coworkers

Panic! at the pothole

Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming
โ€œWE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!โ€

Keep in mind that itโ€™s like midnight right about now but Iโ€™m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighborโ€™s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. Thatโ€™s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up.

This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.

ย 
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Jack Sparrow being, well, Jack Sparrow

Friend of mine was at a party the cops busted. It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow.
Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says โ€œyouโ€™ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,โ€ proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg. Funny as shit.

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Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

He got fired.

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What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?

What do you call it when a lawyer takes a test early in the morning?

A breakfast bar.

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A party that was casually broken up by a police helicopter

Got busted by a police helicopter while drinking at the lake. Spotlighted us & and yelled at us over a bullhorn to stay still while 6 officers complete with 2 k9 units came down to where we were.

Gathered everybody up, walked us to where we parked our cars, searched us, cited one kid for having weed & then let us all go. It was pretty surreal.

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Senior citizen with chlamydia

Not a doctor but a medic in an ER. My favorite so far is having to call security on a wife when the doctor told the patient (70-year-old dude) that he had chlamydia and the wife started freaking out and yelling about cheating. Somewhat embarrassing I guess.

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An overall bad decision in retrospect

Went to a house party freshman year of high school in Europe. It was this rich girls apartment in a pretty high building (10-12 stories). She lived on the top floor of this building and after getting drunk and a little high (towelie style), I started feeling pretty confident in myself. She had a small balcony and it was next to her neighbors balcony which was about a 2 meter gap of nothing all the way down in between. In my drunken stupor I decided that moment would be the first time I said โ€œhold my beerโ€. I stood up on the handrail and jumped across to the other balcony and back completely drunk. The second jump back really put how high up I was into perspective when I looked down at the middle of the jump. Landed safely but god that couldโ€™ve ended poorly.

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How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because theyโ€™re always stuffed.

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Already Taken Care Of

Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies ofย Atlas Shruggedย in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee onย them?

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Pooping out of the penis

My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then

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I tried to win a suntanning competition

I tried to win a suntanning competition.

But all I got was bronze.

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What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

โ€œHeโ€™s got a chip on his shoulder.โ€

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Why was the math book always worried?

Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.

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Someone stole my Microsoft Office and theyโ€™re gonna pay

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and theyโ€™re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents!

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