Jokes That Will Have the Whole Family Laughing

Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?

Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.

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Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?

Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.

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What has four wheels and flies?

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.

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A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

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What do you call a blind deer?

What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.

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What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

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I swear to God he levitated

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”

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The fake report card

I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card.

I did this every quarter that year.

I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.

She was PISSED—at the school for their error.

The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

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What do you call a pudgy psychic?

What do you call a pudgy psychic?

A four-chin teller.

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Why do pancakes always win at baseball?

Why do pancakes always win at baseball?

They have the best batter.

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