What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?
“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
It was loaf at first sight.
Q: Why do you smear peanut butter in the road? / A: To go with the traffic jam.
I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, the signs were all there.
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming
“WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”
Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up.
This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.
So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousin’s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.
Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.
One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’
The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’
Q: Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A: Because it had ticks
Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies.
It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
Tourist #1: I wonder how they build streets on top of the subways.
Tourist #2: Hmm. You think they’re strong enough that they can support the street all by themselves?
Tourist #1, after some thought: Nah, there’s gotta be a layer of dirt between them or something.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.