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I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

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Lotion boy

One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

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I told my doctor I heard buzzing

I told my doctor I heard buzzing,

but he said it’s just a bug going around.

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Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels.

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Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

They were engaged.

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Coca-Cola disaster

A couple years ago my friends and I were going to see a movie in the theatre at the mall. Instead of paying the ridiculous movie theatre prices for pop and candy, we decided to go to target to buy some stuff. This was when Coca Cola started to put people’s names on their bottles. My friend told me she had seen a bottle with my name on it inside this bin of Coke. I was weirdly excited since I hadn’t gotten one with my name on it yet. After I had bought the drink, I opened inside target, and it exploded EVERYWHERE. The pop was at least five or six feet in diameter. I watched as people passed the mess and made looks of disgust. Imagine if I had opened it inside of the theatre…

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What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

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Why are frogs always so happy?

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

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Which is faster, heat or cold?

Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.

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What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

The tire swing.

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What do you call a fake noodle?

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

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What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?

Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? 

A. Patty!

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What did the accountant say while auditing a document?

What did the accountant say while auditing a document?

This is taxing.

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What’s Cooler Than Star Trek? (Besides Everything)

HS Girl: That’s all she talks about. She watches Star Trek, she talks about Star Trek, she gets Star Trek tattoos all over her body.
HS Guy: At least my tattoo is cool.

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Classic foreign exchange student move

The foreign exchange student from Sweden took too much MDMA and ended up dancing in the living room with his pants and briefs pulled down.

There he was, in the living room of a massive party, with his tiny little dick swaying back and forth. He was kicked out, and kept coming back dancing with his pants at his ankles.

He came back the next day to apologize; it was his first week being a foreign exchange student at our school. Yes, a meme was made.

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