FEATURED: Popular Stories and Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Although We All Start Out That Way

Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago… with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren’t blonde, and we aren’t perky!

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Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

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What do you call a blind deer?

What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.

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Holy cow!

A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

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He thought he saw Aurora Borealis

I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!

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The toilet phase

When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.

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Why did bread break up with margarine?

Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?

A. Because he found a butter lover.

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Already Taken Care Of

Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?

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A failed ruse

My friends ripped a parking meter out of the ground and threw it off the fourth floor of their dorm to get it open.

It didn’t open, so they did it again.

It still didn’t open, so they toted it back up and kept it in their room until the end of the year, when they put it back in the ground.

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My favorite teacher

One time in 6th grade we were at recess and while I was running to my friends, I just so happened to kick a HUGE rock (keep in mind, I was wearing flip-flops so it hurt like hell) and without thinking, I shouted at the top of my lungs “MOTHERFUCKER!” And with my god-awful luck, my math teacher was sitting at the bench right BESIDE ME. He then took me inside to what I thought was yell at me but he just couldn’t stop laughing and sent me back outside with a literal candy bar. He is still my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

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What gets wetter the more it dries?

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

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Pooping out of the penis

My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then

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You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

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Why did the tomato blush?

Q: Why did the tomato blush? / A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

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Never disturb a blacked-out man

Guy who was passed out dead-drunk, someone thought it would be funny to hit him in the balls.

Sleeping dude jumps up with ninja speed and stands in the middle of the room in fighting position, looks confused at us all laughing, mumbles something, goes back to his sleeping place and lays down.

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