How do you measure a snake?
In inches—they don’t have feet.
What kind of bird is always getting hurt?
My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?
Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.
So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?
THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?
I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago… with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren’t blonde, and we aren’t perky!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.
I got piss drunk and wandered off to McDonalds, which was like a mile off campus. I don’t remember even leaving but I got a call a week later from the McDonald’s saying I didn’t get the job because I didn’t go to the interview. I guess in my drunken state I got there and realized I had no money so I must have sat there and applied for a job. Didn’t remember a thing
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing,
but he said it’s just a bug going around.
Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.