When I was in high school, I was pretty quiet around people who weren’t my friends. The high school’s wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my teacher. This resulted in a lot of wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven wrestlers come in yelling about new wrestling uniforms, and how excited they were.
When they go over and pull out the uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyeing them. Even without what I mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue Spandex with a suspender style top. Absolutely funny already.
But the wrestlers grab the uniforms and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which, is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all of their junk.
Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It’s commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex uniform, it says Ocean City Men in large letters. Except… they used the abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which isn’t awful, but then I sound it out in my head. OC MEN. Oh—semen. I almost spit out the water I was drinking.
I looked around frantically, trying to find out who I can tell, because I didn’t have any friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never talked to her before. I told her what I found and we both cracked up.
The whole time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says oh semen.”
We’ve been best friends for 7 years now.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?
A. A jam session.
After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school.
My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive).
Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.
Got incredibly drunk, passed out, woke up just in time to see a few of the guys siphoning petrol out of the lawnmower and lighting their hands on fire (then immediately dunking them in water). Passed out again, woke up to a guy t-bagging my face. My mate then took a shit in the washing machine.
Was an interesting night.
I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
I saw a guy run out of a party and tackle a cop off a horse.
One time in fifth grade, I was walking back to class from the bathroom. Before I continue, I should specify two things.
1. My classroom was literally just around the corner from the bathroom, next to the lockers.
2. There was a boy that I had a crush on for the past year in my class.
Now for whatever reason, I was swinging my arms around in a wild half-windmill motion. Don’t ask me why, I was just filled with child-like glee I guess. So there I was, swinging my arms dramatically, then just when I got to the corner…
I had accidentally slapped someone in the face. It took me a second to realize who it was: my crush.
I was mortified, but he just started laughing. To this day I can probably cite that as one of my top clumsy/socially inept moments.
Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don’t think Dave minded that much. He’s Canadian.
One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.
The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.
The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.
The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.
When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I tried to win a suntanning competition.
But all I got was bronze.
Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were a lot of knights.
What does a writer have in common with a football player?
Anxiety over a rough draft.