Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
A: Because it was two tired.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.
I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.
I’m a faux pa.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.
Did you hear about the carrot detective?
He always got to the root of every case.
Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.
My mom showed up.
I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.
Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!
I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…
Dad finds disaster left by Adam.
Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”
One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.
His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”
Q: Why did the chicken go to jail?
A: Because he was using fowl language
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
Someone told me that I should write a book.
I said, “That’s a novel concept.”
Suit #1: I haven’t had a regular check up in years, but I’ve had about five MRIs. There’s a lot going on in my head.
Suit #2: Yeah, everything but a full head of hair!