So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.
You have my Word.
Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?
The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Stop looking for the perfect match…
use a lighter.
Q: What did the cupcake tell its frosting? / A: I’d be muffin without you.
I got piss drunk and wandered off to McDonalds, which was like a mile off campus. I don’t remember even leaving but I got a call a week later from the McDonald’s saying I didn’t get the job because I didn’t go to the interview. I guess in my drunken state I got there and realized I had no money so I must have sat there and applied for a job. Didn’t remember a thing
Q. Why do they serve yogurt at museums?
A. Because it’s cultured.
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What’s a writer’s favorite train station?
You: What cartoon mouse walks on two feet?
Them: Mickey Mouse
You: What duck walks on two feet?
Them: Donald Duck
You: No, all ducks do!
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)
What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?
A roamin’ Catholic.