FEATURED: Jokes for Friends and Family

Just witnessed someone eat an ear, no biggie

I saw a dude on drugs eat some guys ear… We were having the good old parties back in college when a guy outside went crazy. He literally ripped the dudes ear of and started munching on that little fucker.

Someone called the cops and he was arrested, 2 years later he was arrested again for having 3 kids in his basement.

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Naked gator wrestling

Obligatory not a doctor, but this is my friend’s dad’s favorite story (He was an ER doc): There was a frat house that had a pet alligator in a large aquarium. (I’m sure this was against their university’s policy, but that’s besides the point.) One drunken frat boy for whatever reason decided to get in the tank with the gator naked.

The gator apparently didn’t take too well to this and bit him in a rather sensitive area. He was too embarrassed to explain the source of his injury to a doctor so he waited three days and by then it had become infected. I believe the guy now qualifies for a Darwin Award…

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This is what happens when your drunk friend confuses your house with your neighbor’s

Invite a friend over to drink late night, 10 min later he calls us saying he’s in the living room. He’s nowhere to be found, look outside to see two cop cars and his car in the neighbor’s driveway.

Turns out he walked into my friends neighbors house piss drunk asking where we were at like 2 a.m .

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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

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What do you call a musician with problems?

What do you call a musician with problems?

A trebled man.

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What do we want?

What do we want?

Low-flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

Nnnnneeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow!

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How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because they’re always stuffed.

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Cringey!

My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?

Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.

So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?

THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?

I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.

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Why do pancakes always win at baseball?

Why do pancakes always win at baseball?

They have the best batter.

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How does NASA organize a party?

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

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Socially awkward fail

So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

But no.

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

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What do you get from a pampered cow?

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

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What do frogs use to track their exercise?

What do frogs use to track their exercise?

Fit (rib)bits.

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Hey, Performance Art Is My Weakness

Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?

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Why are toilets always so good at poker?

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush

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