How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
I tried to win a suntanning competition.
But all I got was bronze.
So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.
My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.
Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don’t think Dave minded that much. He’s Canadian.
One of my friends works in the ER. He said that girls come in every once in a while with different things stuck up their vagina. Such as dildos, cucumbers, and one time a whole butternut squash.
He said it was about a foot long, close to 12cm in diameter, and weighed 2.5 pounds. Apparently if you stick something in there and fill it up it creates a vacuum-like effect which just sucks it all in. They had to break it apart inside her to break the vacuum
Q. Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A. Because he always has a great fall.
What do you call a toothless bear?
A gummy bear!
What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue?
Sure, but then they makeup.
What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
Where do snowmen keep their savings?
In the snowbank.
What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?