FEATURED: Hilarious Stories and Jokes That Will Have the Whole Family Laughing

This is what dad said to her dumped daughter

Girl is crying
Dad: Why ya’ crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I’ll be back…

A while later, dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn’t!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!

5 1 vote
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I told my doctor I heard buzzing

I told my doctor I heard buzzing,

but he said it’s just a bug going around.

0 0 votes
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But I’m Pretty Sure Xavier’s Mansion Is in Weschester, NY

Student #1: Yo, what’s in Iceland?
Student #2: Nigga, what do you think? Ice, obviously!
Student #1: Don’t that mean Iceman lives there, then?
Student #2: Good question…

0 0 votes
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Can We Just Agree That Suits Are a Bad Idea in the Summer?

20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.

0 0 votes
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Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

0 0 votes
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Well, What Do I Know about Foreign Capitals?

Hipster boy: That’s why they call this the windy city?

Hipster girl: This isn’t the windy city — that’s Seattle!

0 0 votes
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

4 1 vote
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A horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

0 0 votes
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Someone told me that I should write a book

Someone told me that I should write a book.

I said, “That’s a novel concept.”

0 0 votes
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Two guys walked into a bar

Two guys walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

0 0 votes
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Never wear a dress in Chicago

So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousin’s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.

Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.

One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.

0 0 votes
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Oh—semen

When I was in high school, I was pretty quiet around people who weren’t my friends. The high school’s wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my teacher. This resulted in a lot of wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven wrestlers come in yelling about new wrestling uniforms, and how excited they were.

When they go over and pull out the uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyeing them. Even without what I mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue Spandex with a suspender style top. Absolutely funny already.

But the wrestlers grab the uniforms and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which, is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all of their junk.

Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It’s commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex uniform, it says Ocean City Men in large letters. Except… they used the abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which isn’t awful, but then I sound it out in my head. OC MEN. Oh—semen. I almost spit out the water I was drinking.

I looked around frantically, trying to find out who I can tell, because I didn’t have any friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never talked to her before. I told her what I found and we both cracked up.

The whole time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says oh semen.”

We’ve been best friends for 7 years now.

4 1 vote
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I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.

I’m a faux pa.

0 0 votes
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How does NASA organize a party?

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

0 0 votes
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What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

5 1 vote
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0 0 votes
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