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I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win

I entered tenย punsย in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

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Socially awkward fail

So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what Iโ€™d say: โ€œHey, weโ€™ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.โ€

But no.

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out โ€œWeโ€™ve come to hello you.โ€ and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

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Whatโ€™s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

Whatโ€™s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the otherโ€™s a little lighter.

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Why did the tomato blush?

Q: Why did the tomato blush? / A: Because it saw the salad dressing.

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When does a joke become a โ€˜dadโ€™ joke?

When does a joke become a โ€˜dadโ€™ joke?

When it becomes apparent.

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As it turns out, I am gay:

When I was around 9 years old I was starting to get confused about my sexuality so I would always look up โ€œAre You Gayโ€ quizzes on our family computer because I was scared and confused, and my mom eventually saw the searches in the history and confronted me about it. I lied about it and said I had accidentally clicked an ad. As it turns out, I am gay.

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Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?

Girl #1: I am, like, so sick of eating matzah!
Girl #2: Iโ€™m not Jewish, but I like to eat it.
Girl #1: Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?
Girl #2: I think itโ€™s, like, because the Jews were baking bread when the Nazis came and they didnโ€™t have time to wait for it to cook,ย right?

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How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because theyโ€™re always stuffed.

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What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery?

What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery?

โ€œArenโ€™t you a sight for sore eyes?โ€

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Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?

Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.

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In a Totally Unrelated Question, What Gets Out Blood?

Older black man: Howโ€™s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: Iโ€™m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!

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What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?

Q: What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?
A: A title wave.

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The old timer Joke: The old and a Kid

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.

The old timer asks the kid, “Hey son. Whatcha got there?”

The kid replies, “I got me some chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.”

The old timer responds, “Oh son, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.

“Well, I’ll be…'” says the old timer scratching his head.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?”

The kid responds, “I got me some duct tape. I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”

The old timer laughs, “Son, you can’t catch no ducks using duct tape.”

A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape.”

The old man cannot believe his eyes.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?”

The kid shouts back to the old timer, “I got me some pussy willow.”

The old timer shouts out, “Hold on son…while I get my hat!”

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Two goldfish are in a tank

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, โ€œDo you know how to drive this thing?โ€

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Did you hear about the famous pickle?

Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!

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