What is Marco’s favorite clothing store?
My friends ripped a parking meter out of the ground and threw it off the fourth floor of their dorm to get it open.
It didn’t open, so they did it again.
It still didn’t open, so they toted it back up and kept it in their room until the end of the year, when they put it back in the ground.
Got busted by a police helicopter while drinking at the lake. Spotlighted us & and yelled at us over a bullhorn to stay still while 6 officers complete with 2 k9 units came down to where we were.
Gathered everybody up, walked us to where we parked our cars, searched us, cited one kid for having weed & then let us all go. It was pretty surreal.
This one drunk girl had a fetish of getting pissed on. There was a circle of guys just pissing on her I kinda noped right out of the party.
Bonus from attending that party after I noped out I met my ex and had the best sex life I’ve ever had for the next 6 months.
HS Girl: That’s all she talks about. She watches Star Trek, she talks about Star Trek, she gets Star Trek tattoos all over her body.
HS Guy: At least my tattoo is cool.
Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing?
A. The meatball.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.
My mom had a guy bring his son in with a penny in his nose. No problem, popped it out. Couple minutes later, gets a call that someone had a penny in nose. She says, no, I already took care of that. They insisted there was someone with a penny in his nose. Went out to check, there was the very same sheepish dad with a penny up HIS nose. ‘I just wanted to see how he did it…’ was his explanation.
Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Q: What do you call a fake noodle? / A: An im-pasta.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?
Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.