Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye
When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing?
A. The meatball.
Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.
Rave party in a church. Some half-brown dreadlocked dude in a Jesus costume fucked a girl in the priest booth above the DJ stage.
One time in 6th grade we were at recess and while I was running to my friends, I just so happened to kick a HUGE rock (keep in mind, I was wearing flip-flops so it hurt like hell) and without thinking, I shouted at the top of my lungs “MOTHERFUCKER!” And with my god-awful luck, my math teacher was sitting at the bench right BESIDE ME. He then took me inside to what I thought was yell at me but he just couldn’t stop laughing and sent me back outside with a literal candy bar. He is still my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.
Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.
1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.
Why are crabs so bad at sharing?
Because they’re all shellfish.
Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.
What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear
What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You probably think it’s “R” but it be the “C”.
Wife working trauma, level 1 hospital. Guy comes in, abdominal pain. Says he was at a party, hasn’t been able to shit for 2 days. Scan shows full size Glade Air Freshener can inserted in his rectum. ‘No idea how it got there.’ Kicker is, it was inserted bottom first, so concave side in, full suction. Wife gives paralytic to relax all his muscles, inserts a hose to equalize pressure double fisted up some dude’s ass to retrieve said Glade can. Operation a success. This is, I believe, the third or fourth large object she has removed from some dude’s ass. I don’t get specifics, just the gist of these stories.