FEATURED: Funny Stories and Jokes for Friends and Family

What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine?

What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine?

Can’t wait to squeeze you!

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Why do ducks have feathers?

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

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How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

How did the dad prank his daughter using fake dog poop on April Fools Day?

He told her to look out for her new sham-poo in the shower.

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What has four wheels and flies?

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.

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What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?

“Make me one with everything.”

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Two guys walked into a bar

Two guys walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

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What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

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What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

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Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, ‘What’s your favorite kind of music?’

The other replies, ‘I’m a big metal fan.’

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Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?

Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? / A: He was stuffed.

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I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard

My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue.

I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.

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Why do comedians love eggs?

Q. Why do comedians love eggs?

A. They’re easy to crack up.

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Chinese class

I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

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