Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
Went to a house party freshman year of high school in Europe. It was this rich girls apartment in a pretty high building (10-12 stories). She lived on the top floor of this building and after getting drunk and a little high (towelie style), I started feeling pretty confident in myself. She had a small balcony and it was next to her neighbors balcony which was about a 2 meter gap of nothing all the way down in between. In my drunken stupor I decided that moment would be the first time I said “hold my beer”. I stood up on the handrail and jumped across to the other balcony and back completely drunk. The second jump back really put how high up I was into perspective when I looked down at the middle of the jump. Landed safely but god that could’ve ended poorly.
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.
After the final bell, my friend and I were walking to our buses after school through a crowded hallway. We were talking about childhood and reminiscing about old memories, and we somehow started talking about which people became hot since middle school.
My friend mentioned this guy named Keenan and I said “Yeah, he is pretty hot now,” and my friend practically screamed “DUDE HE GLOWED UP SO HARD!” (“Glowed up” means I guess like someone became attractive).
Anyway, right as she said that she turned her head and he was RIGHT BEHIND US (this is so so very cliché but I swear to god there he was). Anyway, right as she saw him she screamed “OH! HE’S RIGHT THERE!”. And OF COURSE he heard her, but it was so awkward so he just walked past us looking down at his phone and my friend fell on the ground from embarrassment.
Two guys walked into a bar.
The third guy ducked.
My cousin is a nurse and she told us this story about couple that came in into the ER and were obviously on heavy drugs.
Apparently worst affecting his ability to get it up so they decided to put caulk in his urethra to try and make it hard. She calls that story the caulk in the cock.”
Q: How do you make an artichoke? / A: You strangle it.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine.
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card.
I did this every quarter that year.
I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.
She was PISSED—at the school for their error.
The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.
Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?
Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!
Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?
Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.