What do you call malware on a Kindle?
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly.
Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us.
Thank you for your patience.
So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
College. Guy goes upstairs to pass out. Girl is already in the bed of his choosing. Amazing sex sounds.
Morning after, horrible screaming. Guy and Girl turn out to be siblings.
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
Girl #1: I am, like, so sick of eating matzah!
Girl #2: I’m not Jewish, but I like to eat it.
Girl #1: Do you know why the Jews eat matzah at passover?
Girl #2: I think it’s, like, because the Jews were baking bread when the Nazis came and they didn’t have time to wait for it to cook, right?
If the early bird gets the worm,
I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
What did the dryer say to the boring duvet cover that just got out of the washer?
“Don’t be such a wet blanket.”
One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up.
Which bear is the most condescending?
My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue.
I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.
Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.