FEATURED: Funny Jokes That Are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderpants

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In dreams

I’ve always had super vivid dreams and it takes me a while after waking up to realize that they’re not real. Sometimes, it’s a disappointment but generally I just forget about it and move on. Now, in 6th grade I had one really close friend who I never actually got into a fight with. One night, I had a really vivid dream where my friend and I had this huge falling out over something that I can’t even remember now.

I was really good at holding grudges because I was not a forgiving child, so for three weeks I completely ignored my best friend in anger to the point where she started crying in front of the teacher and he asked what was going on. Of course, as I’m telling the story I realize the events were super weird and that it was all a dream. I fall silent and just look at my friend who’s still extremely upset and don’t know what to say because I had fucked up so badly.

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How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because they’re always stuffed.

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A whole slew of upsetting revelations

Got incredibly drunk, passed out, woke up just in time to see a few of the guys siphoning petrol out of the lawnmower and lighting their hands on fire (then immediately dunking them in water). Passed out again, woke up to a guy t-bagging my face. My mate then took a shit in the washing machine.

Was an interesting night.

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Why did bread break up with margarine?

Q. Why did bread break up with margarine?

A. Because he found a butter lover.

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What do you call a toothless bear?

What do you call a toothless bear?

A gummy bear!

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Was duly reprimanded for illegal hot dog selling

I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.

EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.

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Pooping out of the penis

My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then

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What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?

What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?

“You’ve been on fire!”

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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

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Girls Will Do Anything for a Free Makeover

Girl #1: I just don’t know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad’s a mortician.

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What do you call a blind deer?

What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.

4 1 vote
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Arrow in the eyeball

Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye

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What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

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In a Totally Unrelated Question, What Gets Out Blood?

Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!

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