FEATURED: Best Stories and Jokes That Will Have the Whole Family Laughing

Takes Years to Learn There Is No Real World

Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?

–Columbia University

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What did the cupcake tell its frosting?

Q: What did the cupcake tell its frosting? / A: I’d be muffin without you.

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You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

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A truly insane fellow

HS. My house party. Guy asks me if he can shoot some other kid and shows me a .45. I tell him not on my property and not at my party; he apparently respected that. Later he gets drunk and cuts his own stomach open… about 1 inch deep, 8 inches wide… you can clearly see each layer of skin and fat. He then goes around “talking” with it like it’s Jim Carey’s rectum.

We eventually convince him much later to go to the hospital, as he previously refused because he was afraid they were going to commit him to the psych ward, but by then they told him it had been too long and they could only debride and dress it. He has a massive scar there now… although he’s much more sane and stable these days.

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Someone stole my mood ring yesterday

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I still don’t know how I feel about that.

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Naked gator wrestling

Obligatory not a doctor, but this is my friend’s dad’s favorite story (He was an ER doc): There was a frat house that had a pet alligator in a large aquarium. (I’m sure this was against their university’s policy, but that’s besides the point.) One drunken frat boy for whatever reason decided to get in the tank with the gator naked.

The gator apparently didn’t take too well to this and bit him in a rather sensitive area. He was too embarrassed to explain the source of his injury to a doctor so he waited three days and by then it had become infected. I believe the guy now qualifies for a Darwin Award…

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The Collar I Bought Will Fit Either

14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.

5 1 vote
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Weed birthday

Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…

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Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?

Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? / A: He was stuffed.

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What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini.

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Hey, Performance Art Is My Weakness

Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?

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Never disturb a blacked-out man

Guy who was passed out dead-drunk, someone thought it would be funny to hit him in the balls.

Sleeping dude jumps up with ninja speed and stands in the middle of the room in fighting position, looks confused at us all laughing, mumbles something, goes back to his sleeping place and lays down.

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Girls Will Do Anything for a Free Makeover

Girl #1: I just don’t know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad’s a mortician.

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