Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
It was loaf at first sight.
I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.
EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.
Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards?
His kid asked him to sit on the deck.
I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.
Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were a lot of knights.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?
This is taxing.
I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!
So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.
So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”
Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.
Never gonna talk to them again.
Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.
1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.
My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.
We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.
Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.
You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.