What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?
“I’m a big fan.”
14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.
My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.
I told them, “Just you wait!”
Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.
Q: Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? / A: Because they’re such fungis! (Fun guys, get it?)
How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?
Because they’re always stuffed.
Do you want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, I’m still working on it.
Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital? / A: He was peeling really bad.
Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…
I tried to win a suntanning competition.
But all I got was bronze.
So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”
The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”
and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said
“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.
So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.
Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?
Clerk #1: Did you know that there are a whole bunch of copies of Atlas Shrugged in the Bestsellers section?
Clerk #2: Yeah.
Clerk #1: Is it okay if I pee on them?
One of my friends works in the ER. He said that girls come in every once in a while with different things stuck up their vagina. Such as dildos, cucumbers, and one time a whole butternut squash.
He said it was about a foot long, close to 12cm in diameter, and weighed 2.5 pounds. Apparently if you stick something in there and fill it up it creates a vacuum-like effect which just sucks it all in. They had to break it apart inside her to break the vacuum
Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?
She always spilled the tea.