What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
Guy who was passed out dead-drunk, someone thought it would be funny to hit him in the balls.
Sleeping dude jumps up with ninja speed and stands in the middle of the room in fighting position, looks confused at us all laughing, mumbles something, goes back to his sleeping place and lays down.
I saw a guy run out of a party and tackle a cop off a horse.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
So about a year ago, I was in Phys. Ed class, and we went around the neighborhood for a jog at the beginning of each class. I hadn’t done it before because of medical reasons, but the teacher evidently forgot about it. I’m incredibly bad with directions and easily distracted, so I lost sight of the rest of the group and went completely the wrong way. I ended up being lost for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. the best part is that I single handedly changed my school’s Phys. Ed policy.
Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?
No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.
So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousin’s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.
Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.
One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.
Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?
I saw a dude on drugs eat some guys ear… We were having the good old parties back in college when a guy outside went crazy. He literally ripped the dudes ear of and started munching on that little fucker.
Someone called the cops and he was arrested, 2 years later he was arrested again for having 3 kids in his basement.
What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I’m coming down with something.
Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?
Why were they called the “dark ages?”
Because there were a lot of knights.
What did the duck say when it bought some lipstick?
“Put it on my bill.”
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.
I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.