FEATURED: Best Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

50 shades of butt

So to begin my story I should tell you that I work at a Medical Spa as front desk and my job entails mostly computer and customer service related tasks. however, I am also there to assist the on shift technician, obviously not with the lasers as I am not certified, but with well…helping shaving clients to prepare them for their treatment. So this particular Saturday I was asked to help shave a client’s back, which was fine it’s part of my job and I just needed to be professional about it and it’s something I’ve unfortunately had to do before as well so no big deal right? wrong. So I do the usual I put on my gloves grab a razor and begin assisting the tech however much to my surprise (and displeasure) the tech suddenly pulls down the client’s pants and underwear to which I am greeted with a hairy behind. It is all I can do in my power to keep from laughing from sheer shock. I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say it was not totally normal colored…trying to stay professional I then had to proceed and hold the clients butt cheek taunt to shave it. I finished as through and quick as I possibly could and booked it the hell out of the room. Later when I had to book the clients next appointment neither of us could look the other in the eye because of that traumatizing encounter. I will probably never be able to live down the moment I looked at the multicolored butt right in the crack.

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Which bear is the most condescending?

Which bear is the most condescending?

A pan-duh!

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Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?

Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.

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Woke up to his toilet broken in half

My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.

We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.

Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.

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Tooth lodged in the ear canal

My brother had lost a baby tooth. He was lying on the couch watching TV playing with the tooth in his fingers above his head. He dropped the tooth and it fell directly into his ear canal.

After trying to get it out himself with his fingers he only pushed it deeper in. My father took him to the hospital to get it extracted. The doctor said he had never seen a case of a tooth lodged into an ear canal.

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What do you call a cow with a twitch?

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky.

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The caulk in the cock

My cousin is a nurse and she told us this story about couple that came in into the ER and were obviously on heavy drugs.

Apparently worst affecting his ability to get it up so they decided to put caulk in his urethra to try and make it hard. She calls that story the caulk in the cock.”

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What do you call a musician with problems?

What do you call a musician with problems?

A trebled man.

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I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

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Don’t They Know They Can’t Jump?

Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.

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The Collar I Bought Will Fit Either

14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie

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Lotion boy

One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

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What’s a writer’s favorite train station?

What’s a writer’s favorite train station?

Penn Station.

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You Can Tell By His ‘I Really Heart New York’ Hat

Girl tourist #1: Oh my gosh, look at what that guy is wearing!
Girl tourist #2: Ew. Blue jacket, striped shirt, black pants, brown shoes with no socks. That’s terrible.
Girl tourist #1: Yeah, but, he can do that, right?
Girl tourist #2: Uh, no. Hello, nobody can get away with that.
Girl tourist #1: But, no, he can do that because he’s, like, really from New York. 

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