FEATURED: Best Jokes for Friends and Family

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents!

0 0 votes
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Victoria’s no longer a secret

So my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.

So one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.

Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).

Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.

My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.

The neighbors haven’t come over since.

0 0 votes
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What concert only costs 45 cents?

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

4 1 vote
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Genital piercings locked together

My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.

5 1 vote
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What do dentists call their x-rays?

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

5 1 vote
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What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

0 0 votes
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Never wear a dress in Chicago

So when I was younger, my aunt was kind enough to invite me to come along with her to Chicago for my cousin’s paintball tournament. I had never been to Chicago before, so naturally I had to go see the big city.

Just like any other girl, I wanted to get all dolled up before walking around in front of people. I wore an extremely soft red dress that I was in love with, and some wedges.

One thing that Chicago has plenty of is vents, and I ignored them because the ones in my city are never on. This was a mistake, because I just so happened to walk over one that was on. Only to be met with steam hot enough to burn leg hair off, and my dress being blown up to my neck around hundreds of other people.

0 0 votes
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What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.

0 0 votes
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Why do comedians love eggs?

Q. Why do comedians love eggs?

A. They’re easy to crack up.

5 1 vote
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Arrow in the eyeball

Man once came in with a minor puncture to his eye. He had decided he would try to see what it looked like to have a bow and arrow aimed at you, so he aimed a drawn arrow at his reflection in a mirror and accidentally fired. It bounced off and hit his eye

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Socially awkward fail

So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

But no.

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

0 0 votes
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The old timer Joke: The old and a Kid

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.

The old timer asks the kid, “Hey son. Whatcha got there?”

The kid replies, “I got me some chicken wire. I’m gonna catch me some chickens.”

The old timer responds, “Oh son, you can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire.”

A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.

“Well, I’ll be…'” says the old timer scratching his head.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?”

The kid responds, “I got me some duct tape. I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”

The old timer laughs, “Son, you can’t catch no ducks using duct tape.”

A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape.”

The old man cannot believe his eyes.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, “Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?”

The kid shouts back to the old timer, “I got me some pussy willow.”

The old timer shouts out, “Hold on son…while I get my hat!”

3 1 vote
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Weed birthday

Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…

0 0 votes
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Pooping out of the penis

My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then

0 0 votes
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What do you call a fake noodle?

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

5 1 vote
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0 0 votes
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