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Very Funny: Funny Stories and Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

A truly insane fellow

HS. My house party. Guy asks me if he can shoot some other kid and shows me a .45. I tell him not on my property and not at my party; he apparently respected that. Later he gets drunk and cuts his own stomach open… about 1 inch deep, 8 inches wide… you can clearly see each layer of skin and fat. He then goes around “talking” with it like it’s Jim Carey’s rectum.

We eventually convince him much later to go to the hospital, as he previously refused because he was afraid they were going to commit him to the psych ward, but by then they told him it had been too long and they could only debride and dress it. He has a massive scar there now… although he’s much more sane and stable these days.

Why did the man take his clock to the vet?

Q: Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A: Because it had ticks

Sawing off a metal cock ring

I was still in med school at the time, but I saw a guy for follow up who had used a metal cock ring which then proceeded to get stuck. He didn’t seek help for a day and then finally went to the ER where they had to saw off the cock ring. The horrific swelling and bruising wasn’t quite so bad by the time I saw him but don’t worry, he showed me a picture of what it looked like right after they sawed the ring off. I saw another dude, probably late 60s or early 70s, with similar levels of brushing and swelling who had gotten overenthusiastic with a penis pump. He very kindly told me to warn all my patients about the dangers of penis pumping. I became an OB/GYN instead

Don’t sit on cold ground

So a couple weeks ago, me and my friends were sitting on this cement kind of pedestal (as we called it) It’s basically the steps up to the portable. (classroom that no one uses) and this weird supply French teacher comes up to us and says: you shouldn’t be sitting on this ground, it’s too cold and it’s bad for your ovaries. I asked her how or why and she said that if children sit on cold ground their ovaries will freeze and that we won’t be able to have kids. Now it’s an inside joke between us about not sitting on cold ground.

Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?

Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?

He always had his head stuck in the clouds.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

“Fairy” is a Much More Polite Slur

Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!

What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?

Q: What do you get when you throw a lot of books into the ocean?
A: A title wave.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Now that’s what I call stupid

In my junior year of high school, this guy asked me on a date.

He rented a Redbox movie and made a pizza.

We were watching the movie and the oven beeped so the pizza was done.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, “This is the worst part.”

I then watched this boy open the oven and pull the pizza out with his bare hands, rack and all, screaming at the top of his lungs.

We never had a second date.

What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?

Q: What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?
A: That’s nacho cheese.

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

UPDATED: Funny Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

The man who swallowed a tobacco pipe

My dad was a respiratory therapist and one of his patients was a sixty-year-old man. As the story goes, the man had his son with him answering all the questions. When my dad asked why this was, he just looked at the man and said, ‘Yeah dad, explain why I have to answer them.’ Long story short the man had inhaled his tobacco pipe and could feel it moving every time he talked. They got it out and when the son left the room the man asked my dad if he could have the pipe back.

In the closet

OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.

If the early bird gets the worm

If the early bird gets the worm,

I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.

Economic Reality Bites

College-Bound kid: So I can come home every weekend in October, to work on the haunted house.
Mom: No. You can’t. You have to stay at school for the bonding. You don’t want to miss that first-few-weeks bonding that goes on.
College-Bound kid: I told Ray I’d help with the haunted house. I want to do make-up.
Mom: You can’t! College costs money! Your food costs money! It costs money to come home on the train!
College-Bound kid: Wait–the train costs money?
Mom: Both ways.

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.

I’m a faux pa.

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club

I’ve been trying to make a sarcastic club, but it’s been really hard to tell if people are interested in joining or not.

Genital piercings locked together

My buddy’s dad had a couple came in where they both had genital piercings and while mid-intercourse, their piercings interlocked. They came in stuck together.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.

Why Would He Buy a Bag from Himself?

Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Woman: No.
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.

Chinese class

I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

Two pennies, two nostrils

My mom had a guy bring his son in with a penny in his nose. No problem, popped it out. Couple minutes later, gets a call that someone had a penny in nose. She says, no, I already took care of that. They insisted there was someone with a penny in his nose. Went out to check, there was the very same sheepish dad with a penny up HIS nose. ‘I just wanted to see how he did it…’ was his explanation.

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?

They work on many levels.

Two guys walked into a bar

Two guys walked into a bar.

The third guy ducked.

Was duly reprimanded for illegal hot dog selling

I was issued a citation for illegally selling hot dogs, during which I was tripping on acid.

EDIT: To be fair, I was illegally selling hot dogs to cabbies and it was blocking traffic.

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs

FEATURED: Hilarious Stories and Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Woke up to his toilet broken in half

My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.

We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.

Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

Hogwarts.

The Collar I Bought Will Fit Either

14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Want to hear a joke about construction?

I’m still working on it.

How to win at video games

When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password.

So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids).

I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

The sink.

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB.

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications.

Why did the man take his clock to the vet?

Q: Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A: Because it had ticks

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs

Butternut squash in the vagina

One of my friends works in the ER. He said that girls come in every once in a while with different things stuck up their vagina. Such as dildos, cucumbers, and one time a whole butternut squash.

He said it was about a foot long, close to 12cm in diameter, and weighed 2.5 pounds. Apparently if you stick something in there and fill it up it creates a vacuum-like effect which just sucks it all in. They had to break it apart inside her to break the vacuum

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

Why do ducks have feathers?

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

UPDATED: Popular Jokes for You

Pooping out of the penis

My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

Don’t sit on cold ground

So a couple weeks ago, me and my friends were sitting on this cement kind of pedestal (as we called it) It’s basically the steps up to the portable. (classroom that no one uses) and this weird supply French teacher comes up to us and says: you shouldn’t be sitting on this ground, it’s too cold and it’s bad for your ovaries. I asked her how or why and she said that if children sit on cold ground their ovaries will freeze and that we won’t be able to have kids. Now it’s an inside joke between us about not sitting on cold ground.

Can We Just Agree That Suits Are a Bad Idea in the Summer?

20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.

Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?

Q: Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert? / A: He was stuffed.

The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

Wait, where are we again?

What is Marco’s favorite clothing store?

What is Marco’s favorite clothing store?

Polo.

Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?

Q. Did you hear about the waffle iron with anger issues?

A. He just flipped.

A girl who lost all inhibitions

One of my friends and I were at a house party. She drank 8 shots of tequila one right after the other and then proceeded to have bareback anal sex on the front lawn while everyone watched. Not one of her finest moments. She’s a Mormon now, apparently.

What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?

Q. What do you call a group of berries playing instruments?

A. A jam session.

Skull lover

So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

I googled “Rorshach test.”

I googled “Rorshach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Don’t They Know They Can’t Jump?

Teen kid #1: Yo white people have too much free time to do stupid shit.
Teen kid #2: Yeah, I know: like jump off 30-story buildings, like those two kids.
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I once saw this white guy who tried to jump over a car and got split in two, like the car was coming at him, and he tried to jump, but it hit him and split him in two pieces right down the middle.
Teen kid #2: For real, you saw that happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah.
Teen kid #2: Like in person, you saw it happen?
Teen kid #1: Yeah, I saw it happen in person on TV last night.

My favorite teacher

One time in 6th grade we were at recess and while I was running to my friends, I just so happened to kick a HUGE rock (keep in mind, I was wearing flip-flops so it hurt like hell) and without thinking, I shouted at the top of my lungs “MOTHERFUCKER!” And with my god-awful luck, my math teacher was sitting at the bench right BESIDE ME. He then took me inside to what I thought was yell at me but he just couldn’t stop laughing and sent me back outside with a literal candy bar. He is still my favorite teacher I’ve ever had.

HOT TODAY: Jokes for You

Chinese class

I took Chinese at school as a freshman. On one particular day, we didn’t have anything to do in class since we had gone through the whole curriculum for the semester. Our teacher wanted us to watch a Chinese movie in that free time, and I just so happened to watch one recently on YouTube. I offered to find it, and my teacher let me use her computer, that was connected to a Promethean board so that the whole class could see what I was doing on the screen. After a couple of minutes of searching, I couldn’t find the movie since I didn’t know the exact title, so I logged into my YouTube account and decided to find it in my history. When I opened my history I was mortified since stupid me had forgotten that being the awkward virgin that I was at the time I had searched up tutorials on kissing and making out that previous night. The whole class was hysterically laughing, my teacher was extremely confused, and I almost cried as I scrolled past all the kissing tutorials and finally found the movie. I went back to my seat and didn’t speak to anyone in class for the rest of the week. I still haven’t lived it down.

Why Would He Buy a Bag from Himself?

Street vendor: Hey, you married?
Woman: No.
Street vendor: Hmph. Me neither. If we were married, I would buy you a bag. Since we’re not, it will cost you $5.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs

In the closet

OK, so one time when I was really little I had a best friend who was kinda strange but so my mom got a call one day asking if she was over at my house because they couldn’t find her and so they call again about two hours later to ask if we could help look for her and so about three hours of looking we had basically covered the entire neighborhood and they were about to call the police and we decided to check their house one more time and my mom went into her room and found her completely naked and sleeping on the top of a super tall shelf in her closet.

Where do snowmen keep their savings?

Where do snowmen keep their savings?

In the snowbank.

Two pennies, two nostrils

My mom had a guy bring his son in with a penny in his nose. No problem, popped it out. Couple minutes later, gets a call that someone had a penny in nose. She says, no, I already took care of that. They insisted there was someone with a penny in his nose. Went out to check, there was the very same sheepish dad with a penny up HIS nose. ‘I just wanted to see how he did it…’ was his explanation.

Drama at my drama class

One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure.

Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.

Why did the man take his clock to the vet?

Q: Why did the man take his clock to the vet?
A: Because it had ticks

I tried to win a suntanning competition

I tried to win a suntanning competition.

But all I got was bronze.

Light bulb up the butt

I’m a nurse in an emergency department and we had one guy come in with light bulb stuck in ‘that’ area. He tensed when we were removing it and it shattered; he had to go for emergency surgery.

Penile fracture

Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies.

It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm

I got a new job last week as the new top dog at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the new C-I-E-I-O.

This is what dad said to her dumped daughter

Girl is crying
Dad: Why ya’ crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I’ll be back…

A while later, dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn’t!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!

HOT TODAY: Stories and Jokes to Get a Laugh

The Two Would Go on to Become Lifelong Friends

Hobo to drunk with spilled beer on lap: Hey man, got any spare change?
Drunk: Sorry man, I just peed myself.
Hobo: Happens to the best of us.

What has four wheels and flies?

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A trash truck.

Did you hear about the carrot detective?

Did you hear about the carrot detective?

He always got to the root of every case.

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Why doesn’t Dracula have any friends?

Well, honestly, he’s a real pain in the neck.

Something you don’t see every day…

One of my best friends was thrown out of a window naked while having sex with a girl.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Q, What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A. A carrot.

What did the tie say to the hat?

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I’ll hang around.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”

DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?

The doctors say it was due to too many strokes.

Why did the tomato turn red?

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

What did the dad say when his golden retriever was caught eating a hot dog?

“It’s a dog eat dog world out there.”

Why was the math book always worried?

Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

Skull lover

So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

Funny Stories and Jokes Anyone Can Remember – Something Funny

Pooping out of the penis

My friend who is definitely a doctor told me he had a patient [name redacted] who was in serious pain. [Name redacted] was pooping out of his penis and was immediately put into the ER. After hours and hours of intense surgery he was pronounced cured. He got some antibiotics and he turned out fine. [Name redacted] and my friend are still pretty good friends to this day. They even still get drinks and have a good laugh about pooping through the urethra every now and then

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.

I’m a faux pa.

Working in a mirror factory

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

Wears a Hockey Mask Everywhere

Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don’t think Dave minded that much. He’s Canadian.

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

They were engaged.

Tooth lodged in the ear canal

My brother had lost a baby tooth. He was lying on the couch watching TV playing with the tooth in his fingers above his head. He dropped the tooth and it fell directly into his ear canal.

After trying to get it out himself with his fingers he only pushed it deeper in. My father took him to the hospital to get it extracted. The doctor said he had never seen a case of a tooth lodged into an ear canal.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there’s a dog.

Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?

Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?

No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.

Can We Just Agree That Suits Are a Bad Idea in the Summer?

20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.

A girl who lost all inhibitions

One of my friends and I were at a house party. She drank 8 shots of tequila one right after the other and then proceeded to have bareback anal sex on the front lawn while everyone watched. Not one of her finest moments. She’s a Mormon now, apparently.

The fake report card

I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card.

I did this every quarter that year.

I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.

She was PISSED—at the school for their error.

The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

Her mom showed up

My mom showed up.

I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.

How do you get a country girl’s attention?

How do you get a country girl’s attention?

A tractor.

Sporting goods

So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5:00am.

Yeah she’s crazy.

Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with.

She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books.
In the middle of this she suddenly goes, “I really like Dick’s”
Realizing what she just said, she turned red and in a more quiet voice goes, “please don’t tell your parents.”

Jokes for Adults

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion?

“Let’s table this.”

Why my parents can’t take me seriously

So one time I was home alone and it was around dinnertime when I decided to make myself something to eat. I opened the freezer and dug around until I found what appeared to be chicken nuggets in an unopened plastic bag that for some reason, didn’t have any cooking instructions. Thinking that my parents must have thrown away the box for box tops, I called my mom to ask how long and at what temperature to cook chicken nuggets. She told me both of them, I laid out about 20 on a tray and stuck it in the oven, setting the timer before I walked out of the kitchen. When it was almost time to get my chicken nuggets, I walked into a cinnamon scented kitchen. I searched all over that kitchen, trying to find the cinnamon scent, leading me to the oven. I decide to turn on the oven light to see if maybe my mom had stuck some cookies in the oven and forgot to bake them, but instead, I find that the tray my chicken nuggets were on has cookies on it instead! As I’m trying to process what just happened, I hear the front door open and my mom shout delightedly, “Ooooo what’s that smell?” She walks into the kitchen and catches my confused expression. That’s when the spark ignited and she realized exactly what had happened. Somehow in some form, I had accidentally baked snickerdoodles. And that is why my parents can never take my cooking seriously.

Senior citizen with chlamydia

Not a doctor but a medic in an ER. My favorite so far is having to call security on a wife when the doctor told the patient (70-year-old dude) that he had chlamydia and the wife started freaking out and yelling about cheating. Somewhat embarrassing I guess.

Takes Time to Get Used to the Vestigial Tail, Though

Girl: Why do you like her so much?

Guy: She’s just so weird-looking!

Naked gator wrestling

Obligatory not a doctor, but this is my friend’s dad’s favorite story (He was an ER doc): There was a frat house that had a pet alligator in a large aquarium. (I’m sure this was against their university’s policy, but that’s besides the point.) One drunken frat boy for whatever reason decided to get in the tank with the gator naked.

The gator apparently didn’t take too well to this and bit him in a rather sensitive area. He was too embarrassed to explain the source of his injury to a doctor so he waited three days and by then it had become infected. I believe the guy now qualifies for a Darwin Award…

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

How much teddy bears never want to eat anything?

Because they’re always stuffed.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie

Although We All Start Out That Way

Biotech #1: He hired this blonde girl from Chicago… with pageant hair!
Biotech #2: Ew. Pageant hair? Hello, this is New York City. We aren’t blonde, and we aren’t perky!

A party that was casually broken up by a police helicopter

Got busted by a police helicopter while drinking at the lake. Spotlighted us & and yelled at us over a bullhorn to stay still while 6 officers complete with 2 k9 units came down to where we were.

Gathered everybody up, walked us to where we parked our cars, searched us, cited one kid for having weed & then let us all go. It was pretty surreal.

Something you don’t see every day…

One of my best friends was thrown out of a window naked while having sex with a girl.

Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?

Why was the gossip disliked at the coffee shop?

She always spilled the tea.

Her mom showed up

My mom showed up.

I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.

Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?

Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.

Did you hear about the famous pickle?

Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!

Why did two tall people get along so well?

Why did two tall people get along so well?

The could really see eye to eye.

FEATURED: Funny Stories and Jokes Anyone Can Remember

How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?

Ten tickles

Why does a chicken Coop only have two doors?

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

A horrible, awful happenstance

College. Guy goes upstairs to pass out. Girl is already in the bed of his choosing. Amazing sex sounds.

 

Morning after, horrible screaming. Guy and Girl turn out to be siblings.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

Coca-Cola disaster

A couple years ago my friends and I were going to see a movie in the theatre at the mall. Instead of paying the ridiculous movie theatre prices for pop and candy, we decided to go to target to buy some stuff. This was when Coca Cola started to put people’s names on their bottles. My friend told me she had seen a bottle with my name on it inside this bin of Coke. I was weirdly excited since I hadn’t gotten one with my name on it yet. After I had bought the drink, I opened inside target, and it exploded EVERYWHERE. The pop was at least five or six feet in diameter. I watched as people passed the mess and made looks of disgust. Imagine if I had opened it inside of the theatre…

The day my teacher stole my headphones

During my sophomore year of high school, we were doing silent work and my history teacher said that we could listen to music but if it was too loud he would “break our headphones.” so I’m doing my work quietly with my music on low, and this obnoxious kid sitting next to me had his music really loud.

I could hear it over my music but ignored it. My teacher thought it was me. So he comes up to me & ripped my BRAND NEW Apple headphones, looking ruthless.

He suddenly realized it was the guy next to me and he was completely embarrassed. He came in the next day with a new pair and an apology note taped to them. He couldn’t look me in the eye for the rest of the year

What Matters is a Happy Ending

Girl: God, it’s getting so cold! I should’ve brought my winter coat!
Guy: You don’t need a coat, you need a hot man to warm you up.
Girl: I need that, too…but I’d start with a coat.

You heard the rumor going around about butter?

You heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.

Fecal matter, everywhere

Last year a few of my friends hosted a party at their house. The toilet got clogged and everyone just kept using it and layering toilet paper up eventually rendering the toilet useless. So now everyone who had to piss did so in the bathtub. Same thing happened and now the bathtub is clogged. By the time any of the guys who lived there heard about it and walked towards the bathroom to investigate (you have to walk past the laundry room to get there) they see a girl sitting on the dryer taking a piss in it. She claimed multiple girls did it right before her, so she thought it was okay.

Woke up to his toilet broken in half

My friend threw a party in his dorm our freshman year.

We woke up in the morning and his toilet was split in half, straight down the middle. No one knows how it happened.

Luckily, he just put in a maintenance request and didn’t pay a dime for it.

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”

Sporting goods

So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5:00am.

Yeah she’s crazy.

Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with.

She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books.
In the middle of this she suddenly goes, “I really like Dick’s”
Realizing what she just said, she turned red and in a more quiet voice goes, “please don’t tell your parents.”

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderpants

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him

I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

Panic! at the pothole

Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming
“WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”

Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up.

This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.

 

Best Jokes That are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh – Something Funny

He thought he saw Aurora Borealis

I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!

An overall bad decision in retrospect

Went to a house party freshman year of high school in Europe. It was this rich girls apartment in a pretty high building (10-12 stories). She lived on the top floor of this building and after getting drunk and a little high (towelie style), I started feeling pretty confident in myself. She had a small balcony and it was next to her neighbors balcony which was about a 2 meter gap of nothing all the way down in between. In my drunken stupor I decided that moment would be the first time I said “hold my beer”. I stood up on the handrail and jumped across to the other balcony and back completely drunk. The second jump back really put how high up I was into perspective when I looked down at the middle of the jump. Landed safely but god that could’ve ended poorly.

“Fairy” is a Much More Polite Slur

Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!

Economic Reality Bites

College-Bound kid: So I can come home every weekend in October, to work on the haunted house.
Mom: No. You can’t. You have to stay at school for the bonding. You don’t want to miss that first-few-weeks bonding that goes on.
College-Bound kid: I told Ray I’d help with the haunted house. I want to do make-up.
Mom: You can’t! College costs money! Your food costs money! It costs money to come home on the train!
College-Bound kid: Wait–the train costs money?
Mom: Both ways.

What do you give a sick lemon?

Q: What do you give a sick lemon? / A: A Lemon-aid.

Hey, Performance Art Is My Weakness

Guy, about hobo jacking off: Wait, I want to see what happens.
Girl: No, this is our stop. Besides, what do you think will happen? What happens to you?

What washes up on very small beaches?

What washes up on very small beaches?

Micro-waves

Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?

Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?

The leeks.

Weed birthday

Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…

What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

What happened when a faucet, a tomato, and some lettuce ran a race together?

The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

Her mom showed up

My mom showed up.

I was at a party across the street and a couple houses down from where I lived. I was mature for my age so I was at a party filled with 19-20 year olds while I was a 14y/o girl. Well one of my friends who was living with me at the time came up to me, “Sam! Your mom is here!” So I was so scared of her getting mad at me, so I start smoking a cigarette to cover up my beer breath and hopefully block out the smell of weed. I went to the back yard where the older adults were sitting by the fire and there my mom was. Shit-faced doing jell-O shots. She yelled for me to come sit on her lap and she handed me a cup of jell-O. That was the first time I did a jell-O shot. Thanks mom.

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

Panic! at the pothole

Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming
“WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”

Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up.

This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.

 
A girl who lost all inhibitions

One of my friends and I were at a house party. She drank 8 shots of tequila one right after the other and then proceeded to have bareback anal sex on the front lawn while everyone watched. Not one of her finest moments. She’s a Mormon now, apparently.

Popular Stories and Jokes to Get a Laugh – Funny Notes

Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?

Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Takes Years to Learn There Is No Real World

Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?

–Columbia University

Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?

Whenever you jump on a trampoline, did you know it changes the season?

No matter what time of year, it always becomes spring time.

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

The sta-tues.

Holy cow!

A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?

A lamborghini.

Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?

Where was the dripping coming from in the fridge?

The leeks.

Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital? / A: He was peeling really bad.

Where do beef burgers go dancing?

Q. Where do beef burgers go dancing?

A. The meatball.

Love Means Never Having to Say “I’m Puking”

Spanish thug #1: I’m all about love, man, but I never say it, like, I loved my ex.
Spanish thug #2: What is love? And not the general meaning of it.
Spanish thug #1: It’s like feeling sick to your stomach. (pause) Right?
Spanish thug #2: Yeah, that’s good.

Driver’s license

So I was at the local DMV to get my driver’s license when my dad pissed off the lady at the counter. turns out she was the lady that had to do the actual road test with me. We get in the car and I thought I was doing pretty well, until she starts freaking out? She has me pull over, tells me I’m the worst drive ever. after yelling at me, she demands I go back to the DMV. and the rest of the time she is on her phone. When we get there, there is a state trooper waiting for me. gives me a field sobriety test. Literally had to take a sobriety test when I tried to get my license. At least I passed one test that day.

“Fairy” is a Much More Polite Slur

Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language!

A sandwich walks into a bar.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

What concert only costs 45 cents?

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Best Stories and Jokes That You Can’t Help but Laugh at – Funny Notes

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs

His face looks like the best chair

So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.

But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.

She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.

Two pennies, two nostrils

My mom had a guy bring his son in with a penny in his nose. No problem, popped it out. Couple minutes later, gets a call that someone had a penny in nose. She says, no, I already took care of that. They insisted there was someone with a penny in his nose. Went out to check, there was the very same sheepish dad with a penny up HIS nose. ‘I just wanted to see how he did it…’ was his explanation.

What did the accountant say while auditing a document?

What did the accountant say while auditing a document?

This is taxing.

5th grade teacher

In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office.

The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

A Bic pen up the ass

Not a doctor but I was an orderly at a mental institution once, a guy came up and asked for help removing a Bic pen from his ass.

The Bouncer Made Them Wait Two Hours

Bimbette tourist: Oh my god! What’s that? It looks like a cool, underground club or secret hideout.
Friend: Um, that’s the entrance to the subway.

Why do comedians love eggs?

Q. Why do comedians love eggs?

A. They’re easy to crack up.

Virtual-reality self-prostitution

I used to play a game called Phantasy Star Universe and I would be my own pimp AND my own hoe. I had my main account (let’s call him Dudeman) and my hoe account (let’s call her Galchick). so there was like the main floor area and people would like try to sell nudes for money (in-game, not IRL) and I was like “nobody actually does that… do they?” so I made Galchick and I took off her clothes so she was in her underwear, and then I said ONE thing on the main floor and some guy took the bait right away. he invited me back to his house and I was like “omg I’m sorry, I’m new to this! how do you transfer money?” and he did it to show me how… and then he asked for my character to teabag his and moan into the mic, and I was like a 15 year old boy, so instead… I just blocked him and took the money. that’s when I realized my one, true calling. I did it for months and I’d transfer the money from Galchick to Dudeman and all my friends wondered how I had super good gear. I miss that game everyday…

What do you call a fake noodle?

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Victoria’s no longer a secret

So my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.

So one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.

Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).

Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.

My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.

The neighbors haven’t come over since.

In a Totally Unrelated Question, What Gets Out Blood?

Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!

What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

The tire swing.

I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief

I couldn’t believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

But when I got home, the signs were all there.

Little thief

When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

UPDATED: Popular Selection of the best dad jokes

What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?

What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite protein source?

Mystery meat.

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

The sta-tues.

What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?

Q: What did the mouse say to the other mouse when he tried to steal his cheese?
A: That’s nacho cheese.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they’d be bagels.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter, it’s not going to come anyway.

Lotion boy

One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.

The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.

The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.

The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.

What does a house wear?

What does a house wear?

Address!

Why was the math book always worried?

Q: Why was the math book always worried?
A: Because it had so many problems.

Penile fracture

Penile fracture. It’s a real thing. Usually occurs during girl-on-top or ‘doggy-style’ positions when the penis slips out of the vagina and forcefully strikes the pubic bone of the partner. Though it is referred to as a ‘fracture,’ it’s more of a rupture of the tunic surrounding the erectile bodies.

It’s a surgical emergency and failure to investigate and repair the defect may result in lifelong erectile dysfunction or missed concomitant injuries to the urethra. Despite the urgency, one patient I saw was adamant that he injured himself while roofing his home in the middle of the night

Where does a waitress with only one leg work?

Where does a waitress with only one leg work?

IHOP.

I told my doctor I heard buzzing

I told my doctor I heard buzzing,

but he said it’s just a bug going around.

Cringey!

My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?

Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.

So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?

THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?

I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.

Someone told me that I should write a book

Someone told me that I should write a book.

I said, “That’s a novel concept.”

If the early bird gets the worm

If the early bird gets the worm,

I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.

A fight over a girl turned fatal

Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.

Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.

ALL IN ALL: Hilarious Stories and Selection of the best dad jokes

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1forrest1

5th grade teacher

In fifth grade, my teacher loathed me. She would do anything to make me cry and sent me to the principle’s office any chance she got. Don’t believe me? I’m left handed. So still, to this day, I get my hands confused. On this particular day, we were doing the Pledge of Allegiance and I had put my left hand to my chest (it’s supposed to be your right hand over your heart). She got mad at me, telling me that I wasn’t being ‘patriotic’ and sent me to the principal’s office.

The principal and I were quite aquatinted at this point and so I told her why I was sent back to her office again, and she laughed. And laughed. I didn’t find it funny at all, I mean all the kids in my school thought I was a delinquent so they didn’t want to be my friend. My principal wrote on the back of my hands, L and R. What I didn’t realize was that she wrote L on my right hand and R on my left hand. She did the same to hers. Then, she walked me back to the classroom, and made our whole class redo the Pledge with our ‘right’ hand, with me leading the class, and it was one of the happiest moments of my elementary experience.

In a Totally Unrelated Question, What Gets Out Blood?

Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!

A fight over a girl turned fatal

Two guys fought over a homely girl. One later pulled a knife one the other (while he was asleep) and stabbed him through the neck.

Stabber(BAC of around .3 iirc, has no memory of the event) did 15 years in jail, stabee had a blood clot, lead to stroke, lead to debilitating brain damage. Took him about 10 years to recover his mental faculties.

Classroom Chaos

So in 8th grade I used to read during class a lot. At the time I was reading an Artemis Fowl book, and for some reason I had two copies of the same book. So one day in my English class we were reading this other book (which I had already finished reading three days earlier), I was reading my own book and when it was finally my turn to read, I had no idea where we were. So the teacher took my book away, I found my spot, read the part and passed it to the next person to start reading.

So after I read my part, I took out my second copy of Artemis and picked up right where I left off. Skip a few minutes ahead, gets back to my turn to read, and again I don’t know where we are. So teacher takes a look at me, sees the book in my hands, then back to her desk obviously confused for a second. But shrugs it off knowing it’s me she’s dealing with (I’ve caused similar problems like this before), takes my second book and puts it on her desk, and makes me read my part.

Now my friend that sat two chairs down from me was also reading Artemis at the same time as me and with a quick look to him he knew exactly what I was planning. He took it out and passed it over without hesitation. I opened to a random spot and just pretended like I was reading. (At this point it was just to mess with my teacher.)

So skip forward again and my teacher sees me with the book again and says, “How many of those do you have?” I gave my smartass remark as “enough.” She took away that book, too. But now at this point I was out of books, and the rest of my class knew it. But the teacher didn’t know I was out. So she continued with her lesson and another friend of mine took two of her books and switched out two of the Artemis books on her desk to make them look like they were still there.

He passed the books slowly around the room, one at a time, until they were back to me. Then I took one out, opened to a random spot and just kept it open, waiting to get caught. I silently signaled to a few people in class and they started laughing. The teacher looked at what they were laughing at and saw me with yet another book. She looked at her desk where there were seemingly 3 Artemis books and saw me with a 4th. She took it, walked back to her desk, put it down, turned around, and saw me with the second book that got taken back on my desk!!!

The teacher thought she was going to win this game but underestimated my teamwork with my classmates. So the second she came over to me to take the seemingly 5th book, another classmate took back the other two books from her desk and split them up—sending one to me one way, and the other another way.

The teacher was very flustered and laughing hysterically at this point and there was no more teaching going on. The entire class was also going ballistic trying to see who would win. It was just a game of “How many books does this one 8th grader have?”

So at the end of the class she thought she had taken 11 books from me. I took pity on her and told her what was really happening. I told her that I had already read the first book, and all the teamwork that went on. We were both laughing and making jokes. In the end she agreed to let me read my own books as long as I kept track of the actual book we were reading. (Meaning, I ask the person next to me tell me when it’s my turn and they point out my spot to read so I don’t actually have to keep track.)

Little thief

When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard

My whole class once got detention because I drew a penis with a glue stick on the whiteboard and when the teacher went to wipe off the board all the fluff came off and stuck to the glue.

I never got in trouble for it because my whole class found it too funny to tell the teacher it was me.

Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?

Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.

Takes Years to Learn There Is No Real World

Columbia hipster girl #1: They were going out for a while.
Columbia hipster girl #2: Like, in college or in the real world?

–Columbia University

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

Q, What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A. A carrot.

What do you call an attractive fruit?

Q: What do you call an attractive fruit? / A: A fine-apple.

Did you hear about the carrot detective?

Did you hear about the carrot detective?

He always got to the root of every case.

Why are frogs always so happy?

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?

Why did the giraffe get such bad grades?

He always had his head stuck in the clouds.

Hilarious selection of the best dad jokes

That time in freshman year

So I was always the person who’d try to leave class really fast so I wouldn’t always being paying attention to some very crucial surroundings. So I’m sitting in math class where our teacher makes us put our book bags against the wall to the side of the room. The bell rings and being that kid that wants to get out I don’t bother putting all my stuff away and I just grab my RED backpack and I’m gone. I get all the way to my science class and set the book bag at my desk when LO AND BEHOLD it’s not my backpack. It’s another ALSO RED backpack that I had mistakenly took in my rush to get to science. So I have this mini freak out at my friend Seth sitting next to me. As a freshman and quite socially inept I decide not to really do anything about it until lunch which was next block. I had some paper in my arms from last class so I decided to use those and figure out everything during lunch instead of making a scene at like literally the first week of my high school career.

So we go into science class and since it’s the first week we’re always doing the scientific method lesson before anything else. My teacher asks the class for a problem we can apply to it right? Well guess who raises his hand? SETH. Now my teacher adored Seth so he gets called on and you know what his answer was?? “what if you accidentally stole someone’s backpack? like, you thought it was yours and you didn’t mean to take it” and my teacher was like why don’t you tell me more about this so Seth goes “oh it’s not my problem it’s HERS” and POINTS TO ME. Complete mortification. and even then my teacher was confused thinking I had just come up with the problem but no. only if. I hold up the stolen backpack and my teacher had the most dumbfounded look like I have never encountered someone that failed at life more than you. so he calls my math teacher yada yada I get my backpack. the worst part? We ended up continuing with that scenario and took notes on the scientific method using the very problem that I had created. my hypothesis? If I wasn’t a complete fail then I’d be able to get my own bag properly.

Did you hear about the famous pickle?

Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

My mom’s thong

One day when I was 3 I decided I wanted to be like my mom and wear “big girl” panties. I sneakily went through her drawer and grabbed the first thing I could find – a thong (I didn’t know what it was at the time). She didn’t know until we went to breakfast with some friends and took me to the bathroom. She still won’t let me live it down!

Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?

Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.

He thought he saw Aurora Borealis

I was outside pissing in some nice bushes when I look up and holy fuck.. Aurora Borealis! Living in Washington this has never happened before. I proceeded to run inside to tell everyone but they thought I was just drunk (in their defense I was, and very enthusiastic) and making shit up. Their loss!

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Why don’t blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs

I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh

I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

What do you call a fake noodle?

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

Jokes to Tell on National Tell a Joke Day

What did one plate whisper to the other plate?

Q: What did one plate whisper to the other plate? / A: Dinner is on me.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

Hogwarts.

What gets wetter the more it dries?

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

Ow, my shit!

When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”

Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”

When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his pizza before it was cool.

I told my doctor I heard buzzing

I told my doctor I heard buzzing,

but he said it’s just a bug going around.

The caulk in the cock

My cousin is a nurse and she told us this story about couple that came in into the ER and were obviously on heavy drugs.

Apparently worst affecting his ability to get it up so they decided to put caulk in his urethra to try and make it hard. She calls that story the caulk in the cock.”

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay.

You have my Word.

Panic! at the pothole

Once upon a time I had a friend that was going to a Panic! At The Disco concert and she promised me she would face time me so that I could watch with her. So she messaged me at like the middle of the night telling me to answer her FaceTime call but I was at my neighbors house (which also happened to be my cousins house) so I started running out the door and my sister followed me behind and was chasing after me. She asked me where I was going so I started running as fast as I could screaming
“WE HAVE TO GET HOME, IM NOT GONNA MAKE IT! I NEED TO SEE, WHY CANT I SEE!?!”

Keep in mind that it’s like midnight right about now but I’m running and halfway through screaming. I stepped inside a pothole in my neighbor’s lawn and completely fell in mud but I got right back up and kept running, muddy as hell, trying to get to my house while my sister was dying from laughter behind me. That’s not even the sad part, the sad part is my friends phone died so I just sat there with mud all over me at the dining room table staring at my blank phone just waiting. I waited for almost two hours, refusing to take a shower even though the mud was starting to dry up.

This was two years ago and to this day every time my sister sees the pothole she starts dying from laughter.

 

UPDATED: Best Stories and Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

Where do wasps like to get lunch?

Where do wasps like to get lunch?

A bee-stro.

The Collar I Bought Will Fit Either

14-year-old girl #1: I wish I had a boyfriend.
14-year-old girl #2: Yeah, me too… Well, either a boyfriend or a puppy.

Can We Just Agree That Suits Are a Bad Idea in the Summer?

20-something suit #1: No undershirt?
20-something suit #2: The undershirt will just make me hotter.
20-something suit #1: Dude, you should wear an undershirt so you don’t sweat like a fat ho at the Ponderosa.

The fake report card

I failed the first quarter of a class in middle school, so I made a fake report card.

I did this every quarter that year.

I forgot that they mail home the end-of-year cards, and my mom got it before I could intercept with my fake.

She was PISSED—at the school for their error.

The teacher also retired that year and had already thrown out his records, so they had to take my mother’s “proof” (the fake ones I made throughout the year) and “correct” the “mistake.” I’ve never told her the truth.

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

They were engaged.

A horrible, awful happenstance

College. Guy goes upstairs to pass out. Girl is already in the bed of his choosing. Amazing sex sounds.

 

Morning after, horrible screaming. Guy and Girl turn out to be siblings.

Which is faster, heat or cold?

Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.

Socially awkward fail

So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

But no.

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

Jellyfish fiasco

So when I was like 9 I went to this aquarium thing and it was a pretty amusing trip overall. But then suddenly I just kind of saw these jellyfish without any tentacles floating around in the water and was like “oh cool.”

The next day at school, the teacher asked us what we had done over the weekend. Now normally I never raise my hand. But I did this time. I fucking did it this time. The worst possible time. So I raised my hand and everyone was obviously shocked to see my hand up in the air so the teacher said “yes?”

and after confirming the fact that she picked me I said

“I saw this jelly fish in the aquarium and I thought it was really cool because it didn’t have any -testacles-.” and then like the classroom just emerged with so much laughter and I had no clue what was going on so I pleaded my friend to explain what was so funny I mean even THE TEACHER WAS LAUGHING AND I WAS GOING WTF.

So eventually my friend explained to me (it literally took 2 hours of convincing) and then ofc I was pretty embarrassed but the thing is the fucking teacher then asked me if she could tell this to the other teachers and that’s the story of how I switched schools.

Ow, my shit!

When I was a kid, I was always excited to learn new vocabulary. When I was in first grade, my teacher taught me that “shin” was another word for leg.

Later that day, I was walking with my mom, when I tripped and hit my leg on the ground really hard. I yelled out “OW, MY SHIN” although my mom heard “OW, MY SHIT.” She started yelling about how that was a bad word and we didn’t say that word, and she was going to wash my mouth out with soap. I was a crying, bawling mess of a child, to the point I was doing that weird cry, stutter, hiccup noise. She paused in berating me and said “Who taught you that word?!” Of course, I told the truth and said “M-m-my teacher t-t-t-taught me that word!” and she started ranting about how she was going to call the school and get that teacher yelled at.

I tried to explain, “T-te-teacher said that shin meant leg I’m SO SORRY ILL N-N-NE-ne-never say it again.” My mom got quiet and realized her mistake. “…What did you say?”

Of course I started crying harder and I said “NO it’s just a test you’re going to wash my mouth out with soap again.”

When I finally calmed down enough to say it again, my mom apologized and to this day I always say “shin” loudly just to see her face blush.

What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?

What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day?

“You’ve been on fire!”

Light bulb up the butt

I’m a nurse in an emergency department and we had one guy come in with light bulb stuck in ‘that’ area. He tensed when we were removing it and it shattered; he had to go for emergency surgery.

Naked gator wrestling

Obligatory not a doctor, but this is my friend’s dad’s favorite story (He was an ER doc): There was a frat house that had a pet alligator in a large aquarium. (I’m sure this was against their university’s policy, but that’s besides the point.) One drunken frat boy for whatever reason decided to get in the tank with the gator naked.

The gator apparently didn’t take too well to this and bit him in a rather sensitive area. He was too embarrassed to explain the source of his injury to a doctor so he waited three days and by then it had become infected. I believe the guy now qualifies for a Darwin Award…

If the early bird gets the worm

If the early bird gets the worm,

I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
A: Because it was two tired.

FEATURED: Best Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Why is sand so optimistic?

Why is sand so optimistic?

It has a can-dune attitude.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Q: Why did the banana go to the hospital? / A: He was peeling really bad.

What do you call a fake noodle?

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

The beauty of Halloween

Was at a Halloween party and passed out on top of a cooler. I awoke to my friends saying the cops were there and we had to run. So my friends and I were dressed up as a geisha girl, Cinderella, Abby cadabby and Tinkerbell….all running down the road trying to avoid an mip. We make it to a 7-11 and call my friends boyfriend to take us home.

He shows up dressed as batman and drunk. He drives us home and on his way home gets pulled over and flees on foot. He then goes home and reports that someone in a batman costume stole his jeep….and got away with it.

What is Marco’s favorite clothing store?

What is Marco’s favorite clothing store?

Polo.

Sniffing candles with my best friend

So my best friend and I were in a super market and there were a lot of new candles. They all smelled strange so we started to think about names we could give them ‘grandma’s toilet cleaning agent’ or sth like this. Whatever I guess we sniffed to much candles because we started laughing very hard and I lay on the floor and my best friend fell into to pasta shelf which made us laugh even more and louder and people were already staring at us. Suddenly my brother’s best friend stood behind us and from this day he’s thinking that I’m taking drugs.

I don’t.

I just sniff candles with my best friend to burst out in laughter.

The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

The first rule of the Alzheimer’s club is…

Wait, where are we again?

Little thief

When I was around four or five I was with my mom at this store buying some Christmas gifts. as we were leaving I saw these little plushy dinosaurs that fit perfectly in my hands. I grabbed two of them and stashed one in each of my pockets. my pockets were so small that they made me look like I had two rumors on each of my hips. I still remember the rush of energy I got from actually leaving the store undetected. well, when my mom and I got to the car, she found them and called the store back and made me apologize. I had the absolute worst social anxiety when I was a kid so I was a absolutely sobbing, telling this poor employee how horrible a person I was. like I was having a mental breakdown, it was so bad my mom apologized to me afterwards and bought me a nice milkshake!

Classic foreign exchange student move

The foreign exchange student from Sweden took too much MDMA and ended up dancing in the living room with his pants and briefs pulled down.

There he was, in the living room of a massive party, with his tiny little dick swaying back and forth. He was kicked out, and kept coming back dancing with his pants at his ankles.

He came back the next day to apologize; it was his first week being a foreign exchange student at our school. Yes, a meme was made.

Such a Good Boy

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.

Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!

Jack Sparrow being, well, Jack Sparrow

Friend of mine was at a party the cops busted. It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow.
Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says “you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,” proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg. Funny as shit.

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

Why couldn’t the couple respond right away when looking at wedding venues?

They were engaged.

The toilet phase

When I was younger, around 3 or 4 years old, I had a phase of flushing things down the toilet. I would flush McDonald’s toys I didn’t want anymore or change I had found in my room. the biggest and most hilarious thing I ever dumped was a gallon of milk. one day I was bored and was looking around in the fridge low and behold there it was, a new gallon of milk. my tiny body dragged the bottle on the floor all the way to the bathroom. I opened the cap, let it go into the toilet, and flushed. I thought I was smart enough to let it go unnoticed but I’ll never forget what my dad yelled out when he walked in. “why in the hell is the water white?!“ my mom found the empty carton and just stared at me.

Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?

Q: Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner? / A: No, you should just stick with turkey.

Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Oh—semen

When I was in high school, I was pretty quiet around people who weren’t my friends. The high school’s wrestling coach also taught geometry, and he was my teacher. This resulted in a lot of wrestlers skipping class and barging into our classroom to hang out and not get in trouble. One day, seven wrestlers come in yelling about new wrestling uniforms, and how excited they were.

When they go over and pull out the uniforms, the whole class is kind of side eyeing them. Even without what I mention next, the suits look funny. I mean, it’s tight royal blue Spandex with a suspender style top. Absolutely funny already.

But the wrestlers grab the uniforms and rush out of the room to go change in the bathroom, and come back to show them off. Which, is also hysterical because Spandex hides NOTHING; you could see all of their junk.

Anyway, we live in a town called Ocean City. It’s commonly abbreviated as “OC”. On the back of the Spandex uniform, it says Ocean City Men in large letters. Except… they used the abbreviation. On the back, it says OC MEN. Which isn’t awful, but then I sound it out in my head. OC MEN. Oh—semen. I almost spit out the water I was drinking.

I looked around frantically, trying to find out who I can tell, because I didn’t have any friends to tell in this class. I turn to the girl next to me, and I had no idea who she was and had never talked to her before. I told her what I found and we both cracked up.

The whole time she saw me as the quiet teacher’s pet who was shy as hell. The first words out of my mouth were “It says oh semen.”

We’ve been best friends for 7 years now.

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it.

What do dentists call their x-rays?

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Not the smartest drunk, but definitely the most clever

One of my roommates got piss drunk, walked to a grocery store nearby, purchased a frozen pizza and broke into the fire station evidently looking for a way to heat it up. 

In a Totally Unrelated Question, What Gets Out Blood?

Older black man: How’s you mother?
20-something white man: She died in January.
Older black man: I’m very sorry to hear that.
20-something white man: Thanks. She left me her rent-controlled apartment!

Where do snowmen keep their savings?

Where do snowmen keep their savings?

In the snowbank.

SonofabitchAdam

I used to babysit this little boy who was a real handful. He was always in trouble and it seemed like every time his dad had to call him it went like this…

Dad finds disaster left by Adam.

Dad yells out, “Son of a Bitch! Adam!”

One day I have to pick up Adam’s older brother at school. A Catholic school.

His teacher, a nun, sees adorable little Adam with his chubby cheeks and face like a cherub and asks him his name and he answers flat out, “SonofabitchAdam.”

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver?

The sink.

Why do ducks have feathers?

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks!

Such a Good Boy

Mom: Honey, you better behave while you stay at Daddy’s house this weekend.

Five-year-old boy: If he doesn’t buy me a new toy, I’m going to slice his sausage open!

 

Very Funny: Popular Jokes That Are Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

Girls Will Do Anything for a Free Makeover

Girl #1: I just don’t know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad’s a mortician.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

How do you make a tissue dance?

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?

Q: What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese? / A: Nacho cheese.

How bugs feel

When I was about 5/6 my mom and stepdad bought my sister and I bikes for Easter. After church they were like “do you wanna learn how to ride them?” And I was like??? Duh?? I had finally gotten the hang of it and I was riding around the circle showing off, and my mom was like “say cheese” so I look over at her for a second and I FUCKING RAM INTO A CAR AT FULL SPEED. A parked car that I didn’t even see, like at all, so I just rammed into this car and I fell off my bike and I was crying and all I could think about was “this must be how bugs feel” like they’re flying around living life and then SPLAT. Looking back that was my first existential crisis

I swear to God he levitated

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was very little. One day, when he was six, I was at his house when he got this absolutely god-awful stomach pain. I mean, he was literally writhing in pain. So, his mom took him to the doctor’s office, where the doctor took one look and told her to take him to the ER. She feared something along the lines of an intestinal rupture. About half way to the hospital, my friend suddenly let rip the loudest, most powerful fart any of us had ever heard. I swear to God he levitated. We thought the upholstery in the car seat had ripped. After a good 30 seconds of intense farting, he looked at his mom and said, “I feel all better now!”

We’ve Determined You Might Accidentally Eat a Key

Chick: Excuse me, how much is it to use the computers?
Clerk: Two-fifty for 15 minutes.
Chick: So, how much is it for an hour?
Clerk: Ten dollars.
Chick: No, it’s not!
Clerk: … Yes, it is.
Chick: No way! It’s not! Stop lying!
Clerk: You know what? You can’t use the computers. Get out.

What Matters is a Happy Ending

Girl: God, it’s getting so cold! I should’ve brought my winter coat!
Guy: You don’t need a coat, you need a hot man to warm you up.
Girl: I need that, too…but I’d start with a coat.

To be fair, it was a pretty naughty fridge

Guy walked into the party, no one knew him, he walked around for a few minutes then puled out a gun, shot the refrigerator 2 times, and then calmly walked out.

Why do melons have weddings?

Why do melons have weddings?

Because they cantaloupe.

Why is sand so optimistic?

Why is sand so optimistic?

It has a can-dune attitude.

Why are frogs always so happy?

Why are frogs always so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

What does a nosey pepper do?

What does a nosey pepper do?

It gets jalapeño business. 

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

What part of the museum makes everyone sneeze?

The sta-tues.

Ashlee Finally Lets Jessica Have It

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?

Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.

FOR YOU: Best Stories and Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?

When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?

When it becomes apparent.

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB.

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids

I tell dad jokes, but I don’t have any kids.

I’m a faux pa.

Popcorn

My sister, mother, and I were waiting in a long line at the Sam’s Club food court. The entire time I was waiting, I was mentally rehearsing what my order would be “one slice of cheese pizza please”, my mind was repeatedly screaming at me. when we got up to the cashier to pay, I got distracted by his cuteness so instead of asking for the pizza, I confidently said “one popcorn please”, which SAMs Club food court has none of. Once I realized my mistake, I screamed out “noooo”, loud enough for 50 people to look at me. embarrassed, I ran away and my mom and sister had to bring me the slice of pizza from my finding place in the freezer section. To this day, I beg people to order for me when anyone remotely attractive is working the cash register.

Just witnessed someone eat an ear, no biggie

I saw a dude on drugs eat some guys ear… We were having the good old parties back in college when a guy outside went crazy. He literally ripped the dudes ear of and started munching on that little fucker.

Someone called the cops and he was arrested, 2 years later he was arrested again for having 3 kids in his basement.

Girls Will Do Anything for a Free Makeover

Girl #1: I just don’t know what he sees in me.
Girl #2: Maybe the same thing you see in him.
Girl #1: Well, I like him because his dad’s a mortician.

Working in a mirror factory

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life?

What kind of cleaning product feels a lot of motivation in life?

All-purpose.

What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?

What did the air conditioner say when it met a celebrity?

“I’m a big fan.”

What kind of shape may have been knighted?

What kind of shape may have been knighted? 

Cir-cles.

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

What was said about the messy, angry man who was eating a can of Pringles?

“He’s got a chip on his shoulder.”

The whole school thought I was going to star on Drake and Josh

In second grade, I told everyone that I was leaving school before next semester to move to Hollywood to play Megan’s cousin from Vermont on Drake and Josh. At first I just told my best friend, but then the whole school found out. I had people coming up to me and asking me for my autograph and a teacher even asked for a picture with me. When I showed up on the first day of school in third grade, I told everyone that the show was going off the air after the season finished (even though I had no knowledge of when it was ending), and so they wouldn’t need me. AND THE SHOW ENDED AFTER THAT SEASON AND EVERYONE BELIEVED ME UP UNTIL LIKE 6TH GRADE BUT NOW MY BEST FRIEND WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET ABOUT IT AND I’M SO ANGRY.

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

A full sun

After an exhausting, weeklong festival I was getting a lift back home in a car full of my friends. We were coming up over a mountain road with a really beautiful ocean view just at sunset.

I’ll never forget the outburst that followed when I said “wow it’s so beautiful, and it’s even a full sun!”

I momentarily forgot that only moons have phases, and that the sun is generally always ‘full’ … my friends have never let me live it down.

UPDATED: Funny Stories and Jokes for You

How do you make a tissue dance?

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was

I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.

Then it dawned on me.

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.

What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

What kind of bird is always getting hurt?

The owl.

Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm?

Why was the cow such a heartthrob on the farm? He was a s-moo-th talker.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Eighth grade games

So when I was in the eighth grade, science class was the most boring hours of my life. Everyone would play games on their computers (we used computers to take notes) but would play them in a super sneaky manner (volume down, looking at the board so it looks like you’re taking notes, etc.). I wasn’t one for playing games during class but I was soooo bored…so I searched up Pac-Man on Google and started playing (I didn’t know what else to play).

So I started playing and just my luck I didn’t check how high my volume was….IT WAS ALL THE WAY UP. I started panicking because the game noises were excruciatingly loud. I kept playing and got eaten by a ghost almost after I pressed the start button (my hands were shaking like crazy)….my strict science teacher looked me straight in the eye..

What gets wetter the more it dries?

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.

What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?

Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? 

A. Patty!

Weed birthday

Last year, during class, my algebra teacher let us listen to music while we did our classwork and whatnot. So, I was just jamming, being super confused on this one problem and I look up from my paper to ask my friend how to do it and EVERYONE is intensely looking back and forth between me and another girl with their fingers on their noses. As you can imagine, I was super confused. So, naturally, I also put my finger on my nose. Everybody yelled “OHHHHHHHHHH” and turns out, it was a “nose goes” thing and the other girl had to ask the teacher if she’d ever smoked weed on her birthday because it was 4/20…

Why was the ghost so tired?

Why was the ghost so tired?

He worked the graveyard shift.

Why would doors do well on social media?

Why would doors do well on social media?

Everyone looks for their handles.

The ramen incident

I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. last night, I became hungry and decided to make some ramen. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.

After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.

I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it.

Well….It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart.

What do you call a blind deer?

What do you call a blind deer?
No eye dear.

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg?
Still no eye dear

What do you call a blind deer with a broken leg that has been castrated?
Still no f*cking eye dear.

HOT TODAY: Funny Jokes that have made people laugh for thousands of years

Did you hear about the famous pickle?

Q: Did you hear about the famous pickle? / A: He was a big dill!

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

Q: Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
A: Because it was two tired.

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit?

Approximately 1 GB.

Drama at my drama class

One time my drama class’s teacher had gone home sick so we were just put in a classroom with a movie to entertain us for the period when an alarm went off. None of us were sure if it was the fire alarm or the lockdown alarm, so we all head out into the hall to check and no one’s out there, so we head back in and climb under our desks as is lockdown procedure.

Cut to an hour or so later when a teacher bursts in and nearly dies of relief because the school was on fire and we were the only students not accounted for and half the faculty and fire department had been searching for us for ages. Literally, the whole school had filled with smoke while we’d kept super safe under our wooden desks.

Victoria’s no longer a secret

So my oldest brother Ethan doesn’t like wearing pants while at home, he wears boxers (because he’s a gentleman) but REFUSES to wear pants.

So one day we’re all just chilling on the couch when Ethan comes in wearing his boxers. My younger brother Eric asks if he can take off his pants too and Ethan says yeah, just make sure you have clean underwear on.

Eric leaves the room, goes upstairs, comes back 3 or 4 minutes later without pants in my underwear, and not just any underwear; Victoria’s Secret, MY VICTORIA’S SECRET (only girl in the family).

Ethan is laughing his ass off, Nate (next oldest brother) is rolling on the floor, and I’m just sitting there like WTF.

My dad chooses the best time to come in with guests, when one of his 10 year old sons is standing in the living room wearing his only daughters frilly Victoria’s Secrets, his oldest isn’t wearing pants, and the other two sons are on the floor dying.

The neighbors haven’t come over since.

A whole slew of upsetting revelations

Got incredibly drunk, passed out, woke up just in time to see a few of the guys siphoning petrol out of the lawnmower and lighting their hands on fire (then immediately dunking them in water). Passed out again, woke up to a guy t-bagging my face. My mate then took a shit in the washing machine.

Was an interesting night.

The ramen incident

I have decided to remain anonymous to protect my identity from the foolishness. last night, I became hungry and decided to make some ramen. I removed the various packets from the bowl, added the flavor and vegetables, then put the bowl in the microwave.

After about a minute or two, I realized something was wrong. A terrible burning smell had filled my kitchen.

I opened the door to my microwave and…low and behold…I had neglected to add water. There was some smoke coming from the bowl. Not wanting to waste the ramen, I went to the sink and added water, which filled the room in acrid smoke for several seconds. I then returned the bowl to the microwave and cooked it for two more minutes before attempting to eat it.

Well….It went okay for a little while, until I discovered a globule of blackened noodles which had turned into some sort of strange crystalline substance yet seen in nature by humankind. I had a change of heart.

I started a new job as a tailor last week

I started a new job as a tailor last week.

It’s been sew-sew.

What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter?

Q. What did Mr. and Mrs. Hamburger name their daughter? 

A. Patty!

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much since I procrastinate so much.

I told them, “Just you wait!”

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites

Five things women love in cats but hate in men which proves they are crazy hypocrites.

1. Cats are covered in body hair.
2. Cats don’t listen.
3. Cats don’t come in when you call.
4. Cats stay out all night.
5. Cats like to be left alone and sleep all day.

A blackout driving incident

The host of the party decided to get into his unregistered car, without license plates, without insurance, and without a license and as drunk as the day is long. He drove the wrong way through a traffic circle (roundabout?) and ran into a road sign. His best friend then screamed his name across the road, a neighbor called the cops, told them his name, etc. He was taken in and blood tested with 2.2/mill. He was let go but he can’t apply for a license until 2018.

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

What piece on the playground is always exhausted?

The tire swing.

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

What’s either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school?

Hogwarts.